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A girl living, loving and writing in Los Angeles.
August Listening
August Reading
Favorite Places
Copyright 2001 - 2008 by Ann, unless otherwise noted.
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Thursday, July 28, 2005
Oh Canada!
Things I learned in the past 48 hours:
1) Mole sauce is made of chocolate and chili powder.
2) June gloom actually extends to outbursts of greyness in July.
3) MR. A-Z: the sophomore slump is an uphill battle.
4) A new friend of mine is a Playboy model.
5) I am not going to take shit from anyone/thing anymore.
6) My friends are pretty much the most amazing people ever.
7) My mom is more crazy like me, than practical unlike me.
8) We are going to Vancouver in August.
9) It's been 101 very courageous days.
My mom talked me into Canada because it is "the only place that she's wanted to go for the past 20 years" (I really wish she had gone before I was born). Plus the passport stamp lured me in; I am determined to fill up my passport by the time it expires in 2012. So far I have four pages covered. I'm also planning on bringing along the trusty old Canon SLR for some good bonding time; it's been awhile.
SO after my ten year embargo on all things Canada, and some convincing from trusted friends like Dori, I am heading into the great beyonder in a month. Let me know what I should be prepared for in Van coo ver, besides coming back saying "eh" and "aboot". I'm particularly interested in foods and H&Ms.
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
Emotional Trauma
My mother recommended me to a new hairdresser today; he made me cry. He spent the first fifteen minutes lecturing me about everything that was wrong with me physically, from my pores to my apparently misshapened head. He told me that I don't look older than 17, and that I would never get a boyfriend with the way I look now. He said that I was too conservative and close minded because I didn't want to highlight/dye my hair, and because I don't have an outrageous number of piercings. He told me I had no style and I had to create a whole new image. I was so shocked by the rudeness disguised as "good intentions and constructive criticism" that I couldn't do anything but start to cry when he went around to the third round of lecturing.
I'm more upset that I didn't stand up for myself, and that I didn't leave. I'm also upset that my mother, who was there the whole time, thinks I'm being too sensitive and that I can't take criticism. He was just supposed to cut my hair, not criticize every square inch of me. I have parents for that.
Sunday, July 24, 2005
Cadbury Dairy Milk bars are heaven sent. Last summer Nicole and I had one for breakfast (always either original or caramel) every morning in class. Shared of course, because sweets are always better when shared. Somehow we always had at least one bar between the two of us. It made 9am classes after 2am clubs and the hot airless McCrum lecture hall bearable.
Now I have a Cadbury Dairy Milk bar sitting next to me to soothe the tearful state I'm in after warfare with many wireless adapters and a PC that just refuses to be wirelessly connected to the universe. Wonderful chocolate coupled with Louis Cannizzaro's work (my favorites right now are "She was the girl on the fire escape giving haircuts to her friends" and "When we're apart I try to find ways to make other people say your name"; I really want to own his books as soon as I have money), painting and Jack Johnson, I think I should be up to snuff again soon. Lots of things need to be done this week, including: apartment hunting, birthday presents, teas with friends back from Europe, painting, swimming, dance shows, MR. A-Z, a haircut, in addition to work & class, so being bright eyed and bushy tailed is important.
Friday, July 22, 2005
Overnight Low: 101F degrees
I have a tan. Normally, I look like a small Ethiopian child while tan. I don't like looking like a small Ethiopian child. I compulsively pile on the sunscreen because I'm excessively neurotic about things like skin cancer. But here I am, tan, because the weather is saying summer to me and I said alright I give up. Luckily being tan takes five pounds off. AMAZING. I'm going to let that compensate for the amount of excessive eating I'm doing. I mean, to be fair I did go to the County Fair last night and everything is battered and fried on a stick. There is no just reason to NOT excessively eat in such an atmosphere.
In other news, I hate Netgear. Never ever ever buy any of their products because they are crap, and I suspect even the company knows they are crap because they refuse phone customer service. Worst customer service EVER. After 90 days of purchase which is only how long the warranty is, you have to either pay $30 to speak to a representative, or just figure out the problem and fix it yourself through their online database. Which is quite difficult when it is not a thorough database. AND if I didn't have other computers, how would I get onto their online database to begin with when the problem is that I don't have online access?
To digress again, something a little silly: there is a boy who is making my palms sweat and my cheeks flush. All of a sudden it just seems about right, but I'm suspecting it's only a matter of time before someone stands up and points at me, "Ann, you are ridiculous, get out of here."
Plans for post-college are starting to be cultivated; a thrilling thought for once. I've got my eye on San Francisco, and after a bit of research and collaboration, it is good news to hear that it is #7 on the top 10 list of overpriced places to live in the U.S.. (As opposed to our original impression of it being #2 under New York City, which surprisingly clocks in at #2 on this list).
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
blowing through the jasmine in my mind
I can't believe there is a week and a half of July left. This does not alleviate my apartment stress, but it does make me feel comfortably seated in the throes of summer. My girls are coming over for a Garden State night, and maybe some frozen custard later. There is still swimming to be had, the county fair, flea markets, and trips to be taken, so I have no fear that my summer is speeding by me. I think it's just swift enough. I'm glad I only decided on one job and three classes this summer; otherwise it would be like everything else, plowing right past me. Now I get to smell the sunscreen and taste the blackberries.
Can someone please explain to me what this is?
It's from Jane magazine. I don't know how to feel, it sort of makes my eye twitch.
Monday, July 18, 2005
Morale and optimism are at a record low for the season.
I am rather like the first leaf of the summer to turn yellow. Today I was suddenly panic-stricken with the idea that we will not find a good apartment by September 1st. Then tumbled in the fact that I am going to graduate college (how breezily three years have slipped through my fingertips) and what exactly have I done that qualifies me to do anything in this world? I'll be sitting lame, with stretch marks reminding me of the rapid growth that happened in the last four years, and a Bachelor of Arts degree that's pretty much the new high school diploma. Here is a list of jobs I've had since the beginning of my life: Library Volunteer, Candy Striper, Congressional Intern, Disneyland Stores Hostess, Museum of Art Marketing Intern, Barista, Poetry Tutor, Film Production Intern. This has all led me nowhere. Come March or June (I haven't decided yet) I'll have dreams dancing in my head of graduate schools, and probably an impending GRE to take, a few letters of recommendation in hand. Will I have a job? Will I be in love? Will I be heartbroken? Will I be living in a cardboard box on the side of the road? Will I be happy? Who will still be in my life? Each response is in the form of a persistent, nihilistic maggot writhing in my stomach. I'm being eaten from the inside out. I feel completely lost, alone, and shaken.
Sunday, July 17, 2005
Wizard of Oohs and Ahhs and Fa la laas
Saw&heard a delicious amazing appetizer for MR. A-Z; what a sweet little fellow. I've come to terms with him becoming some kind of celebrity, as long as he stays charming as hell. I'm such a sucker for a boy with a voice and a knack for the wordplay. Alanis was some kind of wonderful; though her voice was awfully/awkwardly piercing garbed in full acoustics. She looked amazing and performed with such deep grace, you could tell that she was oozing with joy. The kind of joy that makes you beautiful (I'm sure the enormous emerald cut diamond on her left hand helped reflect her glow). OH Demi & Ashton were there too, and I don't think Demi is pregnant (which was the first question my mom asked me when I told her about the celebrity sighting).
Friday, July 15, 2005
Happy Birthday Whitney!
In Between Dreams
Yesterday I took my grandmother shopping. We went to get a frame for the painting I did for her, then we went to the mall, Trader Joe's, and Target. She bought me a swimsuit and food. But I think we both bought ourselves extra years in our lives with the smiles and laughter shared between us. My grandma is the sweetest little lady this side of the Mississippi, and I'm glad I have time this summer to spend with her.
I also sent Whitney's package, went to the beach with Cathy, and then Justin came over and we hung out for the first time in awhile. It is so so so nice to be around my best friends all the time this summer, learning what great comfort there is that we can go months without seeing or talking to each other, and as soon as we all come back together (which we all eventually do) that we still have a million and one things to say to each other. I showed him pictures of us from dances in high school, and he was tripped out. It's always remembering those things you forgot happened, but there's photographic evidence so that it feels like yesterday when you see it again. Oh except, we've gotten more weathered and (for some) pudgier.
Somehow all of this, all these things that happened yesterday, have made me deeply comfortable and happy with the life that I've led.
Oh, we watched Dark Water -- holy depressing!
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
Soundtrack -- Some Poetry in Motion
I had tender feelings that you made hard,
But it's your heart, not mine, that's scarred.
So when I go home, I'll be happy to go,
You're just somebody that I used to know.
You don't need my help anymore,
It's all now up to you, there ain't no before,
Now that you're big enough to run your own show
You're just somebody that I used to know.
I watched you deal in a dying day,
And throw a living past away,
So you can be sure that you're in control,
You're just somebody that I used to know.
I know you don't think you did me wrong,
And I can't stay this mad for long,
Keeping a hold of what you just let go --
You're just somebody that I used to know.
(Somebody That I Used To Know; Elliott Smith)
I've got another confession my friend
I'm no fool
I'm getting tired of starting again
Somewhere new?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
(Best of You, Foo Fighters)
And it's bad news
I don't blame you
I do the same thing
I get lonely too
(Portions for Foxes, Rilo Kiley)
While you were sleeping
I was listening to the radio
And wondering what you're dreaming
When it came to mind that I didn't care
(Rest Stop, Matchbox Twenty)
I'm just a notch on your bedpost
But you're just a line in a song
(Sugar We're Going Down, Fall Out Boy)
And I'm not sure what the trouble was that started all of this
The reasons have run away but the feeling never did
It's not something I would recommend, but it is one way to live
Cause what is simple in the moonlight, by the morning never is
What's so simple in the moonlight, by morning is so complicated
(Lua, Bright Eyes)
Monday, July 11, 2005
To Do This Week!
1. Send Sam letter, as was written in RECORD TIME (1 day! 4 pages front + back, WITH illustrations!)
2. Set up wireless router.
3. Apartment hunt.
4. Hook up printer.
5. Finish assignment 2 for color theory/design.
6. Draw trees for drawing/composition.
7. Find digital camera battery charger.
8. Document 7 more people with the chunky necklace trend.
9. Make trend report presentation board.
10. Finish Diary before Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince arrives on Saturday.
11. Cease all need for communication upon receiving aforementioned (former) title.
12. Make + send Annie's card.
13. Make + send Whitney's birthday package.
14. Jason Mraz & Alanis Morrisette on Sunday.
15. Write Laura check.
16. Write at least one coverage for a script for work.
17. Finish writing chapter one of Exit Song.
18. Finish Cathy's present.
19. Take Grandma to frame painting.
Friday, July 08, 2005
Psst --
One of my photographs is on display in the Hype Gallery at the Arles Photography Festival in France. They also have a simultaneous online gallery; on page 26, first on the left in the second row. If I can't be in France this summer, at least my art can be.
I finally finished A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius and my first color theory illustration board. I am craving assorted Micron pens, butternut squash soup, gorgeous new music, a copy of the Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory DVD, fresh peaches from the tree outside, and a donut with rainbow sprinkles. It must be summer, because my mind is on lust and food.
Thursday, July 07, 2005
My heart for London, my home away from home.
Monday, July 04, 2005
One of my greatest fears is that we will come around to each other when it is far too late, far too many years down the road.
Or it is that we are acting like we have all the time in the world, when in actuality we have a small fraction of the time in the world.
Or that it will be too little, too late.
But maybe that's the only way we are going to learn, maybe that is what we're supposed to learn from this encounter with each other.
I don't want to hate you, or this; but I do for all of it.
Because I love you, and this, so so so fucking much.
Let me sing you a waltz...
"I guess when you're young, you just believe they'll be many people with whom you'll connect with. Later in life, you realize it only happens a few times. ' -- Celine
I think my favorite films are the ones that are honest and real until the very last moment where movie magic steps in and takes the characters on a beautiful little twist in which we all hope our lives will take at some point.
Celine: Baby, you're going to miss that plane.
Jesse: I know.
Sunday, July 03, 2005
I started crying tonight, unprovoked. I hesitate to say for no reason because there are many reasons, numbering heavily in my mind. But I wasn't thinking about them in particular as I was watching Spanglish, until I started to feel needlessly heavy sitting there and the movie never seemed to end. It's a storm in my head about how I just don't know how to be a functional person, that I'm pulling off this act that's only letting me sink deeper into the hole I'm in. Sometimes I'm so good I have myself fooled; the right timing combined with my ability to pretend that I'm competent, led to an offer of a full time position as the producer's assistant from my internship. I said No, Thank You. It was instinctual, even though later I had some regrets. It would be paying, a full time job, for the summer. I don't even have a paying job right now and I'm touting applications around coffeeshops because I'm pretty sure my worth is that of a barista. And film! Wasn't that something I've wanted to do since I was oh, 11? And I said no.
All I can think about right now is how I pass by the Doctors Without Borders office on the first floor at work. And then I think about how my bosses are putting together a $5 billion dollar fund to make about ten mid-to-low-budget films with high end return. A lot of money for very few people. As interesting as it is for the first few weeks, I can only go for so long thinking that managing a producer's schedule and contacts, and developing just piece of shit scripts, is doing any good for the world.
I'm so frustrated. I don't know how to deal with manipulative people who are mean. I don't know how to deal with my mother sometimes. I can't write and I can't make art. I'm always tired when I go out.
There is no apartment yet for September, there is a pile of mail at my old apartment with a boy fresh from Indiana living in my room now, there is no income, there is too much mess, there is so much loneliness. Admist all this, there is deep sadness saturating my days because of loneliness. Don't get me wrong, I love being alone with time to crush underneath my fingers as I please, but I feel like there is this whole city full of adventures beneath my fingertips, and it would be really nice to have a partner in crime once in awhlie.
I think I hate LA. Everybody here has got something to sell. I don't know that I can live here after I graduate. But where the fuck am I going then?
I'm hopeless. I'm a hopeless case with ridiculous idealism, and it is only a matter of time before someone says to me, "Ann, you are ridiculous, you should off yourself."
The 4th of July is my least favorite holiday. There are fireworks any night of the week in Orange County, between Disneyland and the Angels games.
Is anybody out there?
Friday, July 01, 2005
Life by the Sand
Most recently, I've found myself frequenting the movie theater, something I don't do often. Now I'm in the dark air conditioned light box just about every week, and much to my chagrin, and I'm very updated on every big budget blockbuster: Mr. & Mrs. Smith,Bewitched, Batman Begins, and just last night War of the Worlds. They have the most extensive and best previews, and I really do love previews the best. When I'm not watching all the crap that $10 billion dollars could buy, I'm reading (terribly written, if it isn't too cheeky for me to suggest) scripts and writing coverage for them. Honestly, half of the people in my screenwriting classes write better scripts than the crap I'm reading in Hollywood that's actually being submitted and represented.
I still want to see Crash. Sometime soon I will have myself a little lovely Audrey Hepburn marathon as well; I've decided that I no longer dislike Breakfast at Tiffany's -- when they find each other in the rain, it makes me weak in the knees. All these films, among strawberry pies and barbeques, night beach trips for the Red Tide, frozen lemonade and ocean breezes -- this must be summer. This weekend will be my first few days off since May, and I'm going to enjoy doing whatever I damn well please. I'll start by having more strawberry pie and pink lemonade, and finish watching The Life Aquatic.
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