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A girl living, loving and writing in Los Angeles.
August Listening
August Reading
Favorite Places
Copyright 2001 - 2008 by Ann, unless otherwise noted.
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Friday, December 31, 2004
"Manhattan Skyline" by Kings of Convenience
Nicole told me today about how our friend from Cambridge, Alan, had come down to LA to stay with her for a day with a toothbrush and a book. That is so fucking amazing to me; that is the peak of everything I want to be. How quintessentially existential, romantic, and Euro.
Also what makes him my kind of hero: he's moving across an ocean and a continent because he's in love with my friend Ilissa. I'm glad I have found a culture, a continent even if you will, who believes in the same principle of life that I subscribe to: to pursue, wholeheartedly, the things that matter most importantly in life.
Don't tell me that it's hard and unrealistic; AN OCEAN AND A CONTINENT. Doesn't get much farther than halfway across the world for people you love and happiness. Isn't that reason enough? Our little trip around the sun is a short one; let's eat well and be merry! For the new year, I'm accepting applications for a new partner-in-crime who wants to ride the train anywhere at the drop of a hat with a toothbrush and a book.
Have the happiest of new years.
Thursday, December 30, 2004
"Smile Like You Mean It" by The Killers
No more fast food fries at midnight. No no no.
But best friends at midnight. Yes yes yes. It doesn't get any better than digital cable, a warm living room, and two friends you have grown up with who know well, make you laugh, and keep you safe.
I'm sorry for my ostentatious, obnoxious bragging about my past year. I'm just so incredibly grateful for it. But time to move on.
Christmas was lovely, and like all my holidays, the corridor is extending. I got an amazing Christmas package from Gina in the mail today, with this gorgeous sweater I was coveting at my favorite store, Hanson's Underneath Acoustic DVD because she refuses to give up on me getting back together with them, and the mixed CD from our road trip that brings back such sweetness that I wish I could bottle up with glitter so I can shake it to make myself feel better whenever I'm low. Tomorrow I will see two great friends from Cambridge! I will also receive the three books I bought with Christmas money (How To Make A Journal of Your Life (Price) - cute illustrations, The Elements of Typographic Style v. 3 (Bringhurst) - because poetry makes typography sexy, & The Prophet (Gibran) -- because girl cannot survive on SATC as a bible alone); and my mom says there are more Christmas presents on the way for me in the mail.
I emphasize the good because the bad and the ugly are not what makes life worth living. But if it makes you feel better, trust me, they are equally present.
Wednesday, December 29, 2004
"Scratch" by Kendall Payne
I think I've run empty on my tank of optimism.
Oddly, it makes me feel empty all together. It might just be the cold and the spaciness talking, but I am feeling cynical. What is the reason behind all my hope anyway? How often have things really worked out and how often was it because I just lowered my standards?
But then again, I've had so many amazing, beautiful moments this year. They didn't happen as flukes. They happened because I was willing to meet it halfway. I didn't lower any of my standards for any of the following, but rather had my breath taken away. The sunset over the fens next to the River Cam. Working on a magical realism project one night in Nicole's magical room in Staircase S with Sam & Nicole. An amazing four hour conversation over a chai latte in the middle of the night with a boy who turned out to be even better in real life than in my wildest hopes. Crafting silly love spells with Carly in Botolph Court. Standing in front of the Eiffel Tower and climbing it with my swollen foot. Seeing snow fall onto my eyelashes for the first time in my life, bundled up tight with one of my best friends in the whole world. Many many many late night conversations filling the air between us with stars and hopes and fears, with so many incredible friends to share the space between with. Being literally swept off my feet by a boy who I had stopped believing in a long time ago. Sitting bundled up next to Yao on a punt with Alan, Matt, Nicole, and Jessica and watching the rain dance across the glittering River Cam surface at night. An amazing brunch with April in my favorite spot on earth. Standing underneath Grand Central Station's ceiling in awe with Gina.
Time to fill up the tank again. Gear up for 2005.
2004 in one word: magical.
Thinking about those New Years Resolutions, since I compulsively love lists. What are yours?
An Object at Rest
I really should get my butt off the couch and do something more productive. But it is one of my New Years Resolutions to stop feeling guilty about enjoying nothingness.
& if it's wrong to sleep in, then sit on the couch, watching reruns and eating Cookie Crispsl all day long, then I don't want to be right. I'm surely enjoying my winter break; too bad there are only four days left and a million people/things to see/do. Why can't something good be lethargy & last forever.
Tuesday, December 28, 2004
Look Around Your World, Pretty Baby
I have a numbing cold that's making my head spinny. So excuse the following prose if it sucks -- I will probably delete the story in the morning. Last night I spent a good chunk of time rereading old journals, I'm absolutely amazed with the changes in the past two years. It feels so odd to be so departed from my freshman year of college; I'm so incredibly different. What a thrilling time, filled with so many people, such intensity, such emotion, so much insecurity.
Momentary lapses of remorse aside, it all feels like another life now. Now the life I'm living is filled with lights of all the beautiful cities I've been to and my heart is filled with all the love of friends new & old that I saw throughout my travel this year. But as my friend Paul says, life is just a series of other lives rolled into one.
Monday, December 27, 2004
What a year can change!
I'm so incredibly grateful for all that has transpired in 2004. What a year can change; what an amazing year can do! I'm a bit sad to close the book on 2004, but terribly thrilled to see what challenges 2005 has for me. But before everything comes and goes, here are some of my favorites of 2004.
24 Highlights of 2004
01. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
02. Studying abroad at Cambridge
03. All my amazing friends from Cambridge
04. Before Sunset
05. A long weekend in Paris
06. Gina's visit, helping me rediscover the beauty of where I live
07. Such Great Heights by the Postal Service
08. Garden State
09. Going to Colorado with a best friend to visit another best friend!
10. Finding Neverland
11. Becoming a barista
12. A long weekend with Jason in Seattle
13. Road trip to New York with Gina!
14. Manhattan
15. one best date ever with dream boy
16. attic room in Botolph Court
17. learning to let go
18. one lovely afternoon with April
19. all those walks around Cambridge with Nicole
20. good talks with my mom
21. Edinburgh Festival & Frankenstein
22. being serenaded on my birthday by Pete
23. Jason Mraz & the Curbside Prophets Tour
24. Shy That Way by Tristan Prettyman & Jason Mraz
What are yours?Labels: lists
Sunday, December 26, 2004
"Smile Like You Mean It" by the Killers
Please write me about the last beautiful moment you had in aching detail. Or write me about the last ugly moment you had. Write me something meaningful; write me something meaningless. I am craving letters from people, thoughtful words and ideas meant just for me me me. (I'm feeling greedy about friends).
Free Fiona!
Petition to Sony Music for the release of Fiona Apple's third album, Extraordinary Machine that's been finished since May 2003 at freefiona.com
Friday, December 24, 2004
Merry Christmas Eve
I think the real reason Christmas only comes once a year is because you grow so incredibly resentful and bitter about obligations and guilt piling on that when you swear you will never celebrate another effing Christmas again, a great deal of time will pass and you will forget about all the shit and obnoxious family overtime, and be seduced by the eggnog and the sparkly lights.
On that note, Merry Christmas Eve! I really do wish the very best for you and your loved ones. Please remember to be thoughtful and loving; people need it more than you think. Or as Plato would say, "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle."
Just like someone that I used to know.
I prefer The Shins' We Will Become Silhouettes to The Postal Service's. This does not, however, change the fact that The Postal Service is my favorite band (?) right now.
Just like my masochistic self to choose love a band that will never tour.
Betraying the Barista
Is it sick that I want to reapply at Starbucks now because they upped their starting pay so that it is the same as mine at Peet's? (I took the higher paying barista job back in March). I just want to work with cute guys and I want to stop fucking up my wrist because we still use the real espresso machines. Sure our coffee tastes better and is less processed; but I want cute boys and pushing buttons is a helluva lot easier than grinding and dumping. I need to stop drinking coffee anyway, it's making me break out like a 15 year old kid again. (Although my doctor believes the real reason is because I'm stressing about graduating college. Pssh who'd stress when you're graduating two quarters early so that you can enter the real world with even less of a clue of what you're doing? *continues to breathe into paper bag*)
Thursday, December 23, 2004
You look so out of context in this gaudy apartment complex
Ann: "I know. My life stinks. Even my dreams stink."
Laura: "I don't think your life stinks. You have been like everywhere and you're only 20."
Ann: "This is true, but I have no home to return to."
Laura: "You know if you travel, isn't everywhere your home??"
Thank goodness for friends who kick you swiftly (yet tenderly) in the head and help you realign everything back to its wonderful, simple splendor.
If I could I would be smoke
And I'd float myself out of here
I'd go wherever you are
And I'd never have to be too far from here
And I'd linger in your fingers
A transparent shade of grey
Watch as you watch me slowly fade away
Into the night
Where are you when I need you by my side
Why shouldn't it be that easy to just be happy for awhile
We're lost in a moment
Wasting time, trading smiles
Shouldn't it be that easy to just be happy for awhile?
(Smoke, Tristan Prettyman)
Wednesday, December 22, 2004
What A Wonderful Life: Snowed In
Part of my adventures last week with Gina was snow. SNOW! For the first time in my life, I caught snow falling from the sky on my eyelashes with open amazement. Snow also included being snowed in one night, where we made cupcakes from scratch and played Nintendo 64 Mario Party. Yesss, we are awesome.
So maybe it is all a lie; one day soon I will paint my trip pretty with words but I feel like pictures would only do it sweet justice. There are some moments that I just can't afford the words for. But I left a number of things at my apartment, although even a trip down will only cure my ability to upload for my own private viewing because I do not have an FTP agent on my ibook. I feel like there are a lot of things that have moved forward in this crazy mixed up web design world and sadly, I am not one of them. All I've got are my words, my fancy pictures, and a gripping, unsatiated desire for a stable home life. I want prettyness and order: rows and rows of neat books housed in their shelves, potted plants on my window sill, an old clean jam jar holding a small bouquet of wildflowers, a spice rack for cooking!, ribbons tracing the walls and pictures of laughter and friends reminding me that I built my life of love. Right now I've got nothing to show for it except piles of crap, sparkling ugly crap.
Tuesday, December 21, 2004
"Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)" by Death Cab for Cutie
I am dying for new music at home; I might even purchase quite a few albums in the next few weeks for this desire for new music.
What songs/artists/albums are you all coveting lately?
"Piece Of It All" by Jann Arden
What a ghost town it is here!
I'm back, freshly defrosting in the lovely 60 something degrees of southern California from the 20 something degress of Maryland that I woke up in (yesterday) morning.
I had the most refreshing, amazing, magical time over there covering five states in six days with one of my best friends in the whole entire universe. Virginia, DC, Maryland, Pennsylvania, New Jersey, and New York; all filed with magical moments like SNOW SNOW SNOW falling from the sky and onto my eyelashes last night! I can't think of a better way I could have celebrated the end of an amazing year. The fact that all my friends live all sorts of different places and I don't see them all the time helps me remember not to take anyone for granted. When I do get to see them, it's such an wonderful, FUN period full of love, laughter, and general good-feeling -- I think it heals all hurts better than time. And there is no one I feel more at home with, recharged, healed, and inspired by than Gina! She really is one of the most beautiful people I know, and she has the biggest heart and spirit in the world.
For now, I'm going to crash because I'm exhausted from the delayed flights and the overall airport madness; many pictures and vignettes to relate about the wonderful time I spent with my twinsister on the east coast. For now, just another bit of the music that soundtracked our week:
I can't explain what (s)he does to me
You've got to love somebody to know
I can't explain how (s)he sets me free
You've got to love somebody to know
Monday, December 13, 2004
Fill In The Blanks
Now you have no reason not to comment. (Title edited for clarity).
Ann is ________.
Ann thinks a lot about ________.
When I think of Ann, I think of ________.
I want Ann to ________ me.
If I were alone in a room with Ann, I would ________.
I think Ann should ________.
Ann needs ________.
I want to ________ Ann.
If I could describe Ann in a word: ________.
Ann will never ________ .
Ann can ________ my ________.
I hope Ann never ________.
I ________ Ann because ________.
Sunday, December 12, 2004
"Split Screen Sadness" by John Mayer
All I want for Christmas is a cute garden gnome and some beautiful, thoughtful letters.
I am leaving the sunny pretty southern California for a week to the cold temperamental East Coast on Tuesday. So I will be MIA for a bit; but the Atlantic Northeast (is that even a term people use?) better watch its ass cause Gina and I are gonna rock it hard. This will be my fourth time flying, and DC & NYC will be my 10th and 11th cities visited this year. I am one lucky girl.
I watched Hedwig and the Angry Inch last night and I love love loved it. It is definitely in my top ten favorite films of all time.
However, I am so sick of being surrounded by ridiculously beautiful gay men. At Alex's party on Friday, as I was being a good friend and waiting for two friends to get it on, I was being entertained, adored, cuddled, twirled, and picked up by a ridiculously beautiful gay male who was there with his boyfriend. He kept telling me how "super hot" & "beautiful" I was and calling me his new girlfriend. I'm afraid I was just a tool in his ploy to make his boyfriend jealous, but boy did I enjoy it.
I love my gay men, and they sure love me. Sadly, I will still end up a spinster. My mom assured me that gay men truly know what beautiful is though.
In other news, my mom is being incredibly supportive about my recent turmoil over school; she found information for design school on weekends & suggested that I drive up to LA on Saturdays to go to Otis. I freaked out about working, since I'm only available to work on Friday/Saturdays, and she told me to stop. I hope she stays in this "we'll continue to support you til you graduate" mode for the rest of winter break, instead of the "you're twenty and you need to be be self sufficient!" mood. I know, I'm horribly spoiled and bratty. She's also very supportive of my finding a new place to live/moving early next year.
She called me just as I was sinking hopelessly deep into a depressing hole of self pity and nervous breakdownness; I can't help it, I'm fucking insane. I am not looking forward to next quarter anymore; I already have 8:30am meetings for the first week I get back from winter break. I have business casual meetings! BUSINESS CASUAL! WTF?! When the hell did I get so old? What makes me the most depressed about my "bright" future is that I'm not excited about any of it, I don't think any of it is going to make me happy; fuck it. Only in America would "being happy" be a major concern; so many other people in the world are just trying to survive today.
Now I'm going to do some Christmas shopping...or take a nap. I have to stay in San Diego until tomorrow because I'm waiting for some packages; just a warning, DO NOT buy Christmas presents online. Shipping takes for-friggin-ever.
Saturday, December 11, 2004
"Somewhere Only We Know" by Keane
This perfect, gorgeous 70 degree weather is ironically putting me into the holiday spirit. I'm such a southern California child. I'm churning out these holiday cards & finally putting presents together. Only 14 days left!
I have a hard time watching films at home by myself; I think I have the worst ADD ever. Somehow an hour and a half is too long for me to sit still by myself. Yet a couple nights ago I had the best date ever where we watched Sabrina, The OC, and then headed to the theatres to watch Closer (which I would have majorly preferred to have read instead of watched, & I completely disagree with the reviews that it's so "adult" & "honest". Unless by "adult" & "honest", they meant that all "real" relationships are solely about sex). Also, what is it that all the films I've watched lately take place in Europe? It teases me so and makes my heart ache for England.
Anyhow, I digress. My ADD is not going to stop me from renting Funny Face over break so I can relive the moment in which I also stood in front of the Eiffel Tower and said "Bonjour, Paris!" in my best French accent.
we are all lovers and takers
breaking hearts to make the papers
she wants love, I told her to stop trying
cause the reasons for her tears
aren't worth crying
(love, love, love by Tristan Prettyman)
Friday, December 10, 2004
"Blower's Daughter" by Damien Rice
Today the boy working at Blockbuster looked at my earrings and said, "Those are the biggest black balls I have ever seen."
I replied, "They're pearls."
He looked horribly embarrassed as another girl stepped in to finish checking me out (the original Sabrina, Hedwig and the Angry Inch, and Under the Tuscan Sun, in case you were wondering).
Thursday, December 09, 2004
"Common Pleasure" by Jason Mraz
I suspect we all are aware of, to some extent, the brevity of our mortality. I mean, most people definitely treat this planet like it's not going to be around for that much longer -- what with not recycling (really how hard is it?), not conserving, not caring, driving hummers (really, a penis enlargement would be much better), breeding weak kick-me dogs, not buying organic & continue to sterilize the land with chemicals, etc. When I mention recycling or conserving to some people, they just say that they don't care since they won't be around long enough to feel it.
So then why is it that so many of us are still afraid to do so many things because we're scared to fail/think we have so much time left? Life is short; now is the time. Now is the only time.
Wednesday, December 08, 2004
"Live to the point of tears."
-- Camus
I had a dream last night that we met up in Paris; you confessed that you had gone to Rome before you came. I was so pissed that you walked the Spanish steps without me.
Then I woke up to the shrill fire alarm piercing my cortexes.
Today's To Do List:
- pick up internship papers
- turn in said internship papers
- call Jin
- buy holiday cards
- start writing holiday cards
- do some boutique shopping
- start packing for next week
- read more of Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius
- finish letter to Sam
- write postcard to Nicole
- buy cake supplies for Friday
- work out
- hang out with Jess
The Future is Calling
Me: Yep still going nowhere in my life.
Erin: Not true. Corrine (her sister)'s roommate was an English major...she got a job and she lives in NY and is doing well...she married a gay man to get there, but oh well!
Tuesday, December 07, 2004
People are Animals!
I know I rant about it a lot, and I should be more forgiving given that it is finals week, but honestly, how hard is it to wash a dish and a fork after you use it?
I came home from work and my last final to find a nice mountain of dishes waiting for me -- courtesy of my roommates. I haven't eaten at home for the past five days. To be a good roommate, I started to chip away at the mountain and what do I find, one hour later, underneath the mountain? A NICE PILE OF SOGGY ORANGE RINDS, NOODLES, ONION PEELS, SPROUTS, ROOTS, PAPER TOWELS, AND CABBAGE LEAVES. Tasty, I know. Also, my roommates think that the kitchen counter is an appropriate place for trash piles. PEOPLE ARE ANIMALS!
And as Gina said while listening to my angry rambling, "nice is fine, but boring and dirty is just unacceptable."
I NEED TO MOVE OUT. I CANNOT LIVE WITH DIRTY PEOPLE, I WILL POP AN ARTERY.
In other news, my mind is swirling swirling swirling with crazy thoughts and ideas and plans and paths. There is so so so much I want to do and yet my next three months are booked solid. I like to plan so much better than execute. Somewhere in between, having lived is the point, right? I love talking to my manager, she is one crazy gal. When she got an inheritance six years ago, she prompty moved to Paris for three months and lived in hotel rooms with kitchenettes. She explored museums and sat in cafes and wrote and read and smoked and drank all day. After she came back, she moved down to San Diego for a boy. She is my hero; I love people who live the life that I believe in.
Let's all make crazy mistakes and take impulsive turns at throwing caution in the wind; and maybe then we can all feel like we've truly lived. That's what it's all about, right?
"Better" by Jason Mraz
Because I have the luxury of time, and I wanted to test my memory.
Last Person Who:
Slept in your bed: my bed with me, Chris. without me, Carly...buahah but we spooned later!
Saw you cry: my mom over dinner on my birthday, haha I'm a shitty daughter...
You had a drink with: to Alex on his 21st Birthday!
You went to the movies with: Monica for some good British men lovin'
You went to the mall with: my mom
Yelled at you: my mom, yesterday for my pole smashing.
Haha well I do everything with my mom apparently.
Monday, December 06, 2004
God, I should be shot. My parents probably agree. I ran my car into a pole in the parking garage after turning in my second final today; it just cost $320 to fix something on it this past weekend. I should probably take a nap to make up for my shoddy three hours last night; and so that the ridiculous stress of how shittily I did on my french final this morning can just melt away into sweet unconsciousness -- all these reasons, plus the fact I'm just an idiot who should not be given responsibility over anything (ESPECIALLY OVER MY OWN LIFE), are probably why I ran my car into a fucking pole.
Okay, go go go.
Tell me about the craziest thing you have ever done. Leave it in a comment or eMail me.
"Won't U Please B Nice" by Nellie McKay
Only 1500 words and a revision stand between me and winter break now. It will soon yield to my charms!
"When you're young your whole life is about the pursuit of fun then you grow up and learn to be cautious; you could break a bone, or a heart. you look before you leap and sometimes you don't leap at all because there's not always someone there to catch you. And in life, there's no safety net. When did it stop being fun and start being scary? "
-- Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City
My Friends are the CUTEST.
More bragging about their cuteness/ingenuity:
"I need a hug and a shower and a hug and a nap and a hug, in that order." -- Laura
Sunday, December 05, 2004
"There are moments like that when things are really clear cut, and you just go, 'Oh.'" -- Gina
Thank God for those.
My Happiness is a Golden Poem!
My friends at home are hilarious; they showed me a video they made of the Fandango ad that imitates Bollywood films -- and then the video of them using the female paper bag puppet to recreate Ashlee Simpson's "Pieces of Me" video. That video is sticking out in my head for some reason today. I love to laugh.
I went to my first cast meeting this morning; I'm super excited about the performance, the meetings, the other vaginas, and I'm super excited about my vagina (although it is still slightly sexually frustrated). If you're interested and in the San Diego area on February 9th and 11th, you should come watch me and a bunch of ridiculously beautiful girls talk about our vaginas for a really great cause (stopping violence against women and girls).
I'm also super excited that in a little over a week I will be getting on a jetplane to see the ever so lovely and always delightful twin/best friend of mine on the East Coast. Let's all send good vibes and hope that the weather stays happy so that we can go on our planned road trips and I can see New York City at Christmastime! (And then here's to secretly hoping I will be snowed in afterwards and forced to stay with her until the beginning of the New Year).
I am NOT super excited about the eleven page narrative I have to revise, the buttload of French studying I need to do, and the Children's Literature final in which I have no thesis to write. But I will be all done TUESDAY TUESDAY TUESDAY; send congratulatory notes then.
Now I will leave you with another random (& unnecessarily vulgar) moment with another friend from home:
a: MY VAGINA IS LIKE A ROSE!
j: MY PENIS IS LIKE A BASEBALL BAT!
a: if you keep calling it that, no one is going to take it!
j: I HOPE THEY DON'T!
"London Rain" by Heather Nova
And when somebody knows you well,
There's no comfort like that.
And when somebody needs you,
Well there's no drug like that.
Saturday, December 04, 2004
"London Calling" by the Clash
I was talking to one of my oldest and greatest friends today about how we wish we went to a high school like the one on The OC, except on second thought, neither of us would go back to high school. She said she's changed so much since, which she has, and I said I'm so much happier since. We're different people in just a few short years; and she mentioned that I get sick a whole lot less. I forgot all about the fact that I was sick every week during my senior year, which is so much of my body telling me that I'm not okay and that I'm burning out. My mom pointed out that my body is still recovering; I would say a lot of my head is too. But like I said to Monica, I don't think I would have preferred it any other way. Your eyes have got to do some raining if you're ever gonna grow.
I might be burning out again soon, but there are much less tears and my health is doing much better. I think it might be due to my 60/40 organic diet (I can only afford so much in organic groceries), or the weight I put in sleep, or maybe I'm just developing a huge cancerous growth in my brain that has deferred everything else.
This is just an irrelevant little spin around the block with words as I warm up to finish one of my final papers.
Holy crap, there are only 20 days until Christmas??
Friday, December 03, 2004
"I Came Home" by Gregory Page
I have a Tower Records giftcard as a sweet birthday present from work; but I'm having a hard time deciding what album I want to buy.
My current most wanted album is Gregory Page's Happiness is Being Lonely, which I can hopefully covet a copy of at Pete's "Thursday Night" show on Sunday.
So after all that name dropping; I need album recommendations. I am itching for new music/art/inspiration, especially after the art gallery event last night. I need something beautiful to write write write madly to this weekend as I squeeze all the condensation from the steam of this quarter into a little rain of words for phrases for sentences for paragraphs for arguments for purpose for thesis.
& as I wait for my car to be fixed.
Wednesday, December 01, 2004
"The Blower's Daughter" by Damien Rice
For Christmas, I would love love love a partial lobotomy.
I won't even ask to keep one tender moment. Not a single goddamn one.
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