Friday, November 19, 2004
02:35 AM
Keep your head up, baby, keep it on the up & up.
I could not handle the site becoming an interior monologue; I need our two way monologue. I'm bringing back this design for a short period until I have time this weekend to polish off the new design. (I did love this design so dearly, I committed the longest to it -- TWO YEARS!)But I'm bursting with words, with just a week off from the site, and I'm ready to start again: looking back at the tattooed history of my past four years archived here, I'm ready to document a new decade in my life: my twenties. Hopefully just as full of laughter, stories, tears, friends, music, heartbreak, passion, & my favorite: love.
In other news, all my auditions are over and I am now a part of the Pussy Posse 2005. Hurrah! I am so thrilled to perform again, and to be a part of such a great cause (The Vagina Monologues). My cooch is very loveable after all. :)
New layout + site hopefully this weekend. Oh yes, much steadier footing now.
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Monday, November 8, 2004
09:59 PM
"Telling Stories" by Tracy Chapman
A few years ago I said I wouldn't write about this extraordinar(ily fucked up) relationship I let myself be dragged through (although I confess I did some dragging myself) because if I just openly published all I had felt and thought on a public forum like this, it would only cheapen the whole thing. Of all the things it was, the last thing it could ever possibly be was cheap.But I like to think I've learned a little in the past three years. Everything in this time has directed me in the course of finding writing as my strength. Don't get me wrong on this, I know I am a shitty writer. I'm incredibly self-indulgent, incredibly pretentious, and incredibly obscure. I like to use $5 words in places where $.02 words would do (E.B. White would hate me). I have miles to go before I can even call myself a writer, a title I consider with certain levels of respectability. But it’s all I’ve got.
I figure if the rest of the Literature department at my university was going to read about it, why not a bit for the little online friends. A few of you have been with me for the past three years as well.
{
It was a wicked wicked thing; & I'm not saying you're solely to blame. I let you paint it all pretty with dizzy lies and half truths. Selected honesty is still a lie.
What exactly did I do to deserve to be treated so harshly by you? I have loved you the best I could; I have loved you something like a disease. I have been, the whole time -- regardless of my own tenderly blistered self, standing on your steps with my heart in my hands. The best friend that I could be to you. It wasn't so much about being in love anymore; it was about this extraordinary friendship that I believed in. The boy I thought I knew would be hurting to know that he is creating so much wreckless ugliness, so much useless pain. But maybe like everyone else said, I didn't know you at all.
}
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Sunday, November 7, 2004
10:34 PM
"Fast As You Can" by Fiona Apple
I have truly amazing best friends, and it is a deep pleasure to know that I have a place in all their hearts.That said, it is a good thing that I believe in shitty birthdays = great years.
So here's to one hell of a twentieth year.
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Friday, November 5, 2004
10:26 PM
I am 20 today.
What a day to feel like the most unextraordinary person who was ever born.
Thursday, November 4, 2004
02:34 PM
"Photobooth" by Death Cab for Cutie
Seeing my favorite quartet from Seattle for the first time ever last night pacified all my rage. Death Cab for Cutie & Pretty Girls Make Graves were oh-so-goooood live; I haven't been to a show in ages. It felt good to be in the dark room that felt infinitely expansive, with a bass throbbing through my feet and truly existing inside the music. And as the summer's ending,
The cold air will rush your hard heart away.
You were so condescending,
And this is all that's left,
The empty bottles, spent cigarettes,
So pack a change of clothes
Cause it's time to move on.
It was nice to get lost inside the music again.
Wednesday, November 3, 2004
12:55 PM
WTF, America.
I feel like vomiting. Apparently fascism is the new in. How did we get it all so ass-backwards? Not that I'm blaming religion directly -- actually, I am. Not for the whole she-bang, but for a large portion of brainwashing people that I know are otherwise smart, compassionate people under the great political guise of Western religion. We're deviating from a secular state; so many of the issues we're concerned with today need that separation of church and state. Somehow the connection between state and humanity got lost?Also, I don't know about you, but I don't want people telling me what I can & cannot do with my body.
WTF, Ohio. As my friend put it, "the youth vote of Ohio left us at the altar! Only 17%!"
Most enraging to me, as you can tell from my previous post, would be the ban on same-sex marriages in 11 states including Oregon. I understand that people are voting along their faith, but their beliefs are in contradiction to my faith. Now the whole institution of marriage is a sham. This is so achingly heartbreaking: it's already hard enough to find an extraordinary love at the right place and time, now the government feels it is its position to step in and judge the value of your personal love. Why don't we just bring back separate but equal as well -- oh wait, we already did.
WTF, America.
It appears that I will be moving to France sooner than I thought. & denying any affiliation with the American people -- because clearly I have no affiliation with the majority.
12:32 AM
I've already got people laughing at me.
All my flatmates this year are uber-Christian.I am uber-not.
However, my roommate and I had a very good discussion about our positions on homosexual marriage. & that's exactly what it was, a discussion. There was no argument, but a sharing of personal views and opinions in a non-defensive nor offensive manner. I feel like we were both slightly more enlightened by the discussion -- not to change our positions (which we didn't), but because to be more compassionate and educated.
It disappoints me greatly that so many states that are voting on homosexual marriage are voting against.
What the fuck is so wrong with love? If only more people in the world had the courage to truly be open to love -- and that includes voting for letting other people to. That upsets me greatly -- who are we to vote on who people can and cannot love? Why don't we just go back to arranged marriages as well?
By making homosexual marriage an issue to vote on at all completely debunks the whole institution of marriage -- in the sense that we are stating marriage is not about love. Marriage is just another political, civic institution (borderlining religious, which is against our secular state). A vehicle in which we get legal papers and tax cuts. And nothing else.
The Christian argument that my roommate presented brought up so many issues I have with most Western religions anyway; that they preach non-judgement, that their God is the only one who can judge them. I think that voting on this issue for them would be passing judgement; so I told her she shouldn't vote at all (if given the opportunity, but we do live in California after all). She said the problem with that is that by not voting, she would be consenting to what she's told to believe is fundamentally wrong. What a crock of hypocritical shit is that? (Not my roommate, just the situation the religion places her in).
Anyway, nothing can change my mind. & nothing can change other people who are just as strong-willed. But there is a lot of space for discussion and enlightenment that will bring about education; it's better than safely, quietly moving along. We know that we are not islands.
Plus, we all know I will always loves me gay mens no matter what. & I know a million more functional, loving, sweet gay couples than I know straight couples. I need to believe in love.
Monday, November 1, 2004
11:39 PM
Olivia Joules & the Overactive Imagination
I'm not a fan of cats. I have two dogs that I adore.
Yet there's this collar-less cat that lives in our complex. I see it slinking around everytime I walk to the mailboxes. It has this habit of waiting in the middle of the walkway before I go check the mail every day. She (I haven't actually checked, I'm assuming she is a she because cats always seem so female) usually slinks a few feet behind me to the mailboxes and back, the way cats do. Today I actually stopped to look at her, and she rubbed herself up against my leg. (This is probably how I get weird diseases). I found her to be impossibly adorable; I suspect she is an orphaned kitten. I think I'll bring her some food tomorrow -- what do cats eat? Tuna and birds?
Even if she isn't homeless, I've decided to name her Olivia Joules anyway. Sometimes things will just appear in your life and you don't even take the time to notice how lovely it is until you stop to smell the roses. Or kitty litter.
More pictures of Olivia & Halloween @ Flickr.
08:22 PM
Halloween finally ends!
Halloween felt like it lasted forever; there are quite a few scandalicious pictures that I will upload onto flickr when my internet is stable.
I feel that this country is scarily unstable. How is it possible that this election is even a close call? How? Have people not been paying attention the past four years?
I'm telling people that I'm voting for Kerry/Edwards because Edwards was one hot slice of male back in the day (despite the fact he looks like John Ritter now) -- because I think that is just as valid a point as some of the most banal comments out there about voting for Bush. It scares me how poorly informed people are -- it also scares me how poorly information is being presented. This inaccessibility to objectivity is the biggest problem. (Is objective even possible, though?)
I'm used to people already laughing at me; I'm very bad at arguing and very bad at getting into political discourses. I'm all about the educated individual choice; religion, politics, and everything in between. I know what I think and stand for, and it would be enough for other people to know what they stand for.
On a more personal level, I'm busy trying to figure out how to get out of this corporate university trap as soon as possible. I talked to an art advisor who told me that getting a BA is the new high school degree; people need to have one just to get an entry level job. Now, we simply need to have graduate level degrees in order to have a small hope of finding a career we will enjoy. That's slightly nerve-wracking.
Don't forget to vote tomorrow. It's soooo hot right now.
