Wednesday, September 29, 2004
11:26 PM
More Sex, Drugs, & Cocoa Puffs
"Most people consider forgetting stuff to be a normal part of living. However, I see it as a huge problem; in a way, there's nothing I fear more. The strength of your memory dictates the size of your reality. And since objective reality is fixed, all we can do is try to experience - to consume - as much of that fixed reality as possible. This can only be done by living in the moment (which I never do) or by exhaustively filing away former moments for later recall (which I do all the time)...Taoists constantly tell me to embrace the present, but I only live in the past and the future; my existence is solely devoted to (a) thinking about what will happen next and (b) thinking back to what's happened before. The present seems useless, because it has no extension beyond my senses."- Chuck Klosterman
I highly recommend this book, if anything, for a good laugh at yourself and our pop culture (quick before it goes out of style).
09:03 PM
"Breaking Me" by Jonny Lang
Deciding about classes...Children's Lit. or Computing Art?Crazy crazy crazy in the head.
Need a new job; am not fond of espresso-induced migraines, nor of the smell of espresso coming out of pores. Despite the hot barista reputation.
Random playlist is sooo good right now:
"The Luckiest" by Ben Folds
"Toxic Girl" by Kings of Convenience
"Both Hands" by Ani DiFranco
"My Romance" by Ella Fitzgerald
"Breaking Me" by Jonny Lang
"Wonderwall" (covered) by Ryan Adams
Also, need to make a new workout mix. Suggestions?
Very tired, but acres better than restless, neurotic insomnia.
Internet has been VERY fickle. Someone save me.
Tuesday, September 28, 2004
09:20 PM
"Love Made Me Drunk" by Gregory Page
Because I'm addicted to lists right now, this is courtesy of Philly. A slightly revised version of her summer recap:ten things you did this summer
01 -- Studied at Cambridge University in England
02 -- Went to Paris
03 -- Went to Edinburgh
04 -- Met my British soulmate
05 -- First baseball game (Angels!)
06 -- Saw Adam Brody & Rachel Bilson at Canter's
07 -- Saw Les Miserables in London
08 -- Met the Fremont Troll
09 -- Wrote fourty pages of content, not bullshit
10 -- Punted on the River Cam!
nine favourite bands/singers/songs of summer
01 -- The Postal Service
02 -- The Shins
03 -- "How Fucking Romantic" by The Magnetic Fields
04 -- Kings of Convenience
05 -- "Toxic Girl" by Kings of Convenience
06 -- "Rocketship" by Anna Troy
07 -- Tristan Prettyman
08 -- "Someone Like You" by Saba
09 -- "Piece of My Heart" by Janis Joplin
eight favorite moments
01 -- Punting on the Cam at night as it rained & the lights of the college backs reflected on the water.
02 -- When "Mmmbop" & other cheesy songs came on at Frankenstein in Edinburgh & I danced with an incredibly swollen, freshly-sprained foot in fabulous company.
03 -- Dancing barefoot with one of my favorite people on earth as the sun set in my favorite apartment to a very good, personalized playlist.
04 -- Having my first croissant in Paris. & first chocolate crepe. & first creme brulee. Eating in Paris.
05 -- When Monica & I realized we were sitting next to Rachel Bilson & Adam Brody at Canter's.
06 -- Taking off over New York City, proper, at nine PM and watching fireworks light up over the bay.
07 -- Touristy Seine river boat tour at 10PM with three great girls, and passing the Eiffel Tower as it glittered.
08 -- Driving into LA with one of my best friends/twin sister as the sun set into the smoggy, technicolor sky (not really during my official summer, but close enough).
seven cities you visited
01 -- Paris
02 -- London
03 -- Brighton
04 -- Cambridge
05 -- Edinburgh
06 -- Seattle
07 -- Los Angeles
six movies you saw
01 -- Before Sunset
02 -- Coffee & Cigarettes
03 -- Garden State
04 -- Napoleon Dynamite
05 -- Vanity Fair
06 -- Supersize Me
five things you bought
01 -- International SIM card
02 -- Mint green dragonfly purse
03 -- Four pairs of shoes
04 -- H&M. Just H&M.
05 -- iBook
four things that annoyed you
01 -- being sick EVERY OTHER WEEK
02 -- travel stress
03 -- uncompromising, uptight travelmates
04 -- belligerent drunks
three things you wish you did
01 -- travelled more in Europe, esp. to Rome & Vienna
02 -- got to know Yao & Nicole sooner!
03 -- stayed healthy
two rules you broke
01 -- getting sick
02 -- being too emotional & getting upset with people
one thing that you loved about this summer
01 -- feeling life in every word, to the extent that it's absurd
01:53 AM
Summer Top 10
(in no particular order)1) Botolph Court, Room 19
2) Cambridge professors & one Mr. Gideon Malone
3) Cambridge friends: Matt, Nicole, Carly, Ilissa, Elaine, Sherita, Sam, Yao, Alan...etc.
4) Before Sunset
5) PARIS mini-break, climbing the Eiffel with a broken foot!
6) Frankenstein in Edinburgh (which played "Mmmbop")
7) "Clarke Gable" by the Postal Service
8) Two Weeks of Intense Summer w/ Monica, Laura, & Justin
9) Seattle & Jason
10) Real emails & letters from friends while abroad
12:54 AM
"Wonderwall" (covered) by Ryan Adams
My latest influences in 30 seconds.
Last 5 Films I Saw in Theatres
1) Garden State
2) Napoleon Dynamite
3) Coffee & Cigarettes
4) Before Sunset
5) Vanity Fair
Last 5 Films
1) Garden State
2) Rushmore
3) The Mothman Prophecies
4) Amelie
5) Ju-On
Last 5 Albums
1) Greatest Hits, Janis Joplin
2) Dreamland, Joni Mitchell
3) United, Phoenix
4) Tonight, Not Again, Jason Mraz
5) Give Up, The Postal Service
Last 5 Books
1) Sex, Drugs, & Cocoa Puffs, Chuck Klosterman
2) The Virgin Suicides, Jeffrey Eugenides
3) The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time, Mark Haddon
4) Olivia Joules & The Overactive Imagination, Helen Fielding (do NOT read this)
5) The Remains of the Day, Kazuo Ishiguro
Last 6 Purchases
1) Sunglasses ($10)
2) Bungalow 360 bag ($20)
3) Traffic ticket ($@#*#&*!!!)
4) FABULOUS fifties pumps from the campus thrift store ($3!!)
5) The Situation & the Story, Vivian Gornick ($13)
Monday, September 27, 2004
09:14 PM
"Such Great Heights" by The Postal Service
Here's the master plan:1) Finish junior year without killing myself.
2) Spend next summer living/working/studying in LA.
3) Finish last quarter here, graduate December 2005.
4) Six to nine months of curling into fetal position, breathing into a paper bag & panicking?
5) Art school MFA/fashion design school in LA. Or live/work/study at NYU.
6) A few years spent designing/travelling for Anthropologie (living in Pennsylvania).
7) Working with art/press in LA.
8) Getting married and/or having babies.
9) If married, three years of travelling & home-making.
10) Raising little surfer chic, well mannered children in San Diego.
11) Growing old and cute with a boy I can't live without.
12) Pretty little cottage house in LA, being the fairytale grandma with the sugary cotton candy hair.
Tonight? French homework & Garden State again. Instead of being bitter about it, I'm hoping to perceive it better in light of recent events with my own gorgeous indie film adventure.
08:43 AM
"Limp" by Fiona Apple
I can't believe after all this time, I am here again.
Saturday, September 25, 2004
10:55 PM
"Love, Love, Love" by Tristan Prettyman
I haven't been dealing so well with the life issues lately, but it has been a cycle. I'm looking on the up, with much help from great friends, great conversations, and great afternoons. I spent the day dancing in the Pacific Ocean along several beaches in San Diego. It was beautiful. Danielle had come down to visit the "resort" on a very exciting day; the complex was having a huge luau by the main pool.We tooted around town, eating everything in sight, filling pages with cartoonish animated people (her), making lists (me), & sharing stories from the past two weeks.
I've decided to accept that things are eventually, inevitably going to fall apart to change into something else; that this ride is going to get rough and that the going gets tough; & that's part of life. Change is hard, but I will hold on with all I've got in believing everything happens for a reason. So I'll just put on a crash helmet & close my eyes when it gets scary.
This life is a beautiful one
and though I've seen it coming undone
Well I know most definitely
That it all works out the way it's meant to be
Thursday, September 23, 2004
10:46 PM
"Fair" by Remy Zero
Andrew: Fuck, this hurts.
Sam: I know it hurts. But it's life, and it's real. And sometimes it fucking hurts, but it's life and it's pretty much all we got.-- Garden State
I wish I could tear out my intestines, tear off portions of my frontal lobe in a partial lobotomy, and cry out all the thickness sitting inside my little heart that I'm desperately trying to hold together with my little hands.
And autumn comes, it doesn't last.
It just walks in, where it left you last.
And you never know, when it starts
until there's fog inside
the glass around your summer heart.
(Something's Missing, John Mayer)
03:09 PM
"Love Is Only A Feeling" by the Darkness
Closed a bunch of entries.
I'm being stupid, but I can't fix myself.
Too old & cynical.I knew that as soon as I stated that I was happy, the universe was going to start raining on me. & of course, when it rains it pours. I'm gripped by crazy fears, & I don't know how I became such a mess. Living abroad & my crazy, impulsive decisions this summer fixed some things, but inevitably other things fall apart.
I am so fucking ridiculous because I believe so much in love, everything happening for a reason, everything working out okay in the end, & other over-romanticized, idealistic bullshit. But I never believe that any of the good stuff should ever be in my life. Not without a loophole, not without strings, not without some catch 22. (This is not about pity). I'm hurting a lot.
But I think I would be hurting a lot more without good friends to carry me through.
Wednesday, September 22, 2004
01:02 PM
"Such Great Heights" by The Postal Service
I'm almost scared to admit this, because it's moments like these that I'm incredibly protective of. I'm half expecting the universe to come down and shit all over it the moment I confess that I am completely, completely happy.But everyone knows I've had a summer of being wrecklessly brave...so here goes.
I am completely happy right now. Everything is amazing & everything I need it to be; life is blowing my expectations out of the water.
My roommates are incredibly sweet. I'm excited about school; the campus is getting hipper & hipper. We even have a farmer's market on campus every Tuesday now. I have the most amazing, rockingest friends in the world. San Diego is beautiful. I've lost 10 pounds in the last month, since coming back from Cambridge. My family is so freaking adorable I couldn't stand it; I stopped by home for a few hours to pick up a few things yesterday, and my dad washed my car, my mom made dinner (!! you should know my mom never makes dinner), & my brother's running for class president. Michael's so cute, he asked me for help on his speech, and he gave me one of his shirts (it says Vote for Pedro SHEN...if you've seen Napoleon Dynamite you will understand the cleverness). I'm completely comfortable in my skin, for once in my life.
& I had the most beautiful weekend a girl could ever wish for. It was so cute and perfect that I just wish I could put it in a tiny little globe with glitter and shake it whenever I'm feeling down. It was a Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday kind of love. It was everything I ever needed, wanted, and hoped for -- & so much more because for once, it was real. I'm in love with a little city on the forest moon of Endor, and a friendship that no one else can touch.
I'll stop gushing now. Someone might decide I don't deserve it.
Enjoy today. It's the only September 22, 2004 you'll ever see.
Tuesday, September 21, 2004
10:52 AM
"Piece of My Heart" by Janis Joplin
I'm such a nomad right now. I don't think I've slept in my own bed for a week.I drove to LA on an impulse around 11:30 PM last night, to stay with my fellow crazy/beautiful bohemian Nicole in her uncle's gorgeous apartment in Century City (her halfway house before she moves into the apartment she's checking out this very moment as I steal wireless internet and roll around bed in my pajamas). The east wall is composed of windows offering a view of the greater part of LA, which was incredible last night. The air (aka smog) makes the night literally quiver with life, even in the quiet destitute of 4AM. It seemed like the city was just as part of our giggling, overflowing conversations.
Speaking of cities...I've fallen in love with another one. But more on that later.
Nicole's apartment is like a little kid's dream right now. We brush our teeth in the kitchen sink, dance to music blasting off our Macs at 3 AM, have hot chocolate, chips, & ice cream all night, truffles in the morning, matching double beds next to each other so we can gossip after the lights are out, and no one ever tells us we have to do anything.
I think I am having a heavenly week.
Friday, September 17, 2004
03:58 PM
"When It Rains" by Tristan Prettyman
There are very few things greater in this world than waking up to the sound of rain radiator rumbling when you're cozy in bed and next to someone you adore. In fact, I can't think of any right now.
Wednesday, September 15, 2004
12:05 AM
"It's Oh So Quiet" by Bjork
I really like people who are passionate about life. The energy of these people together in a room must be amazing; I experienced a bit of it in Cambridge. It's some kind of magic.I had to call today for flight confirmation business because I have grown increasingly nervous about flying United due to warnings from my flatmate, Gina, and etc. My flatmate warned me about flight delays/lack of pilots/lost seat reservations, etc. I'm really thrilled. Another good sign: the 800 number kept hanging up on me. Eight phone calls and two phones later, I reached a sassy man who reminded me to bring "getting-ready-for-winter-clothes" as he chuckled at my misfortune of not having a seat assignment. I will report back on Monday how my adventures with the rest of the airline goes.
Oh, & a Kabbalah Center has opened up within walking distance from my apartment. I'm sooo trendy now.
I'm going to watch Bridget Jones's Diary now, & miss England.
P.S. Tomorrow!
Monday, September 13, 2004
10:38 PM
"My Madonna" by Dexter Freebish
Happy Birthday, Danielle!
You sexy thing you. Get down with your super legal self.My days are filled with people. I'm so good with the one-on-one thing; next to conquer the world. Winning one person over at a time. Things are going swell; I am a barista once again, I made some decisions about Fall Quarter & life for now, change will do me good. The indecisive part of me was killing me; I didn't sleep much the past week. I think (or hope) this year will be challenging my cynicism. I have a week and a half worth of adventure girl travelling to do before Fall Quarter ropes me in, which I plan to milk & enjoy every last second of (hopefully without much injury). Oh yes, I will be enjoying my dregs of summer, to the extent that it's absurd. I know you're jealous.
Saturday, September 11, 2004
11:47 PM
"Everybody Here Wants You" by Jeff Buckley
"Maybe our mistakes are what make our fate. Without them, what would shape our lives? Perhaps if we never veered off course, we wouldn't fall in love, or have babies, or be who we are. After all, seasons change. So do cities. People come into your life and people go. But it's comforting to know the ones you love are always in your heart. And if you're very lucky, a plane ride away."
-- Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City
I'm very lucky. Let us be optimistic and see the good side of life.
Sooo Good
- Plumeria blooming on our front porch smell heavenly
- Laura's postcards from Waikiki
- New apartment to decorate
- A plane ride to one of my favorite people
- Celebrating Danielle's 21st
- Watching the new Disney fireworks
- Death Cab for Cutie, November 3rd (any takers?)
- Nicole's phone calls from the East Coast
- Enjoying being young & reckless
- Handwritten letters
- Making packages
- Scary movies & late night runs with Cathy
- Great conversations
- New flickr account, for the web design-lazy
Friday, September 10, 2004
07:28 PM
"The District Sleeps Alone" by The Postal Service
Things are a little rough lately. Then again, it wouldn't be my life if it wasn't, right? I'm so fucked up about many things; I need to stop being delusional and finally see things for what they are. I need to get some things grilled or tattooed into my brain. Or a partial lobotomy?
I need a reality check, even though that's the last thing I want.
For now, retreating to my happy place, or as the rest of the world knows it, Cambridge. As Whitney said, "You look so happy there."
Thursday, September 9, 2004
12:51 AM
"My Happy Ending" by Avril Lavigne
Getting a haircut is such a pain in the ass.
So is liking this Avril Lavigne song.
Wednesday, September 8, 2004
03:17 AM
"Beautiful, Beautiful" by Tristan Prettyman & G. Love
From Mraz's site:“Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting...holy expletive...what a ride!"
So I'm doing my share of creating my ride by doing things that may be irrational, irresponsible, insane, and a bunch of other in- or ir- things. Before school starts in two weeks, I am going to:
-- stand my ground with bossy bitches
-- move my life for the third time this year
-- take a moment to see the beauty of it all
-- start celebrating the first round of 21st birthdays
-- pursue an internship late in the game
-- see a few Brits and/or fellow Cambridge-adopteds
-- figure out becoming a barista again
-- spend quality time with a dear friend in Seattle
Please have faith in me that I believe that my life is the way that it should be, no matter how dark I can get about it. I'm done with being proper, politically correct, and painfully self aware. I'm living wrecklessly, and loudly. I'm going to tell you all about it. & if it all goes to hell...c'est la vie. Sometimes you've just got to live.
Extensive profuse Thank Yous go to people who make my world go round, and who keep me alive: Danielle, Nicole, Whitney, Cathy, Gina, Jason, Jessica & Shay.
Monday, September 6, 2004
11:45 PM
"Telling Stories" by Tracy Chapman
"Without a soundtrack, human interaction is meaningless."-- Chuck Klosterman
Sex, Drugs, & Cocoa Puffs
06:20 PM
"Clark Gable" by The Postal Service
& I found truth in every word, to the extent that it's absurd -- to the very last night in my fairy tale castle. I like these snipits of pictures, this one is courtesy of Nicole, documenting moments that are lost to me because they were not in my documents (aka digital camera). I like seeing things from other people's point of view.
I really want to see Napoleon Dynamite or Before Sunset (again) or something tonight. Spend some time in the dark, cool theater in this wretched heat...and enjoy myself some previews. I love the previews best.
12:02 PM
"I Want You To Want Me" by Cheap Trick
I can't wait until The Motorcycle Diaries opens. Gael Garcia Bernal...break me off a piece of that. Besides being accurately portrayed (which is hopeful considering it is done by Brazilian director Walter Salles), I hope that Gael will follow the tradition of his skillful work in every one of his films prior...by being naked.
Sunday, September 5, 2004
01:40 PM
The River Cam. Enjoy today. This is the only September 5, 2004 you'll ever see.
Saturday, September 4, 2004
12:07 PM
Ping Pong Tournament.
Along with the ping-pong turmoil in my head about Fall Quarter, about my future, about my career paths, has also been the questions about the future of this site & space. I'm looking to several online portfolios & photologs for inspiration. It's disheartening that I can't design layouts anymore; I used to do them at least once a month at Unlucky. I didn't realize I peaked at 13; I wrote better plotlines then, I designed better sites. (Okay, maybe more prolifically is the right word). I do have a huge catalogue of photographs and a small amount of program resources, and maybe I will find the inspiration to redesign soon.For now, a list of things I need to do this weekend:
1) Pack majority of things to be carted to my apartment.
2) Write cover letters & revise resume.
3) Return French Kiss, find Before Sunrise.
4) Street fair & food. Copious amounts of food.
5) CLEAN MY G-DAMN ROOM (will be helped by packing).
6) Figure out road trip crap???
7) Scan polaroids from England.
8) Upload more photographs from England.
9) Reply to emails: Nicole & Yao.
10) Call Peet's.
11) Send Jin converters.
Whew, I took Labor Day weekend literally.
P.S. This makes me want to molest Zach Braff's brain even more.
Friday, September 3, 2004
06:36 PM
"I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love."
-- Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City
01:07 AM
One More for the Road:
Joel: I don't see anything I don't like about you.
Clementine: But you will! But you will, and I'll get bored with you and feel trapped, because that's what happens with me.
Joel: Okay.
How does Charlie Kaufman write neurotic girls like me so well?
01:00 AM
How happy is the blameless Vestal's lot!
I think I know why I keep retelling the story, because I will get different responses from everyone, and once in awhile I will get a gem of one that gives me a different perspective on something I have worn through with treading in my head. Carly, the Mary Kate to my Ashley, asked me: "What's the worst part?"I broke it down for her.
& it's pretty damn bad.
Thursday, September 2, 2004
11:18 PM
No Such Thing.
No more drama in the LBC (or the OC, or the SD).I'm thinking art school, graduating early, all that busy jazz.
I saw Vanity Fair last night at the Arclight aka Cinerama on Sunset last night, and they had the costumes in the lounge. Reese Witherspoon & I are the exact same size -- oh wait, but she was pregnant while filming. I think it's very disillusioning when you see celebrities in real life and they are very small people (well, I think it is for other people, everyoneis bigger than I am). Then again, I think the whole cult of celebrity is sort of bullshit. Yes, it's hard to be such a hypocrite.
Oh yeah, as for the film, you can wait for it to come on HBO. The art direction was amazing, the costumes were gorgeous & the English background made me misty-eyed for Cambridge, but they butchered the story so badly...I don't even want to think about it. In short, let me quote Diana: "It was pretty but...what was the point of that?"
01:12 AM
"Haunted" by SheBlondeSwede
I haven't slept for 36+ hours. I haven't really slept. Let's get this aside first: like any other apathetic, spoiled middle class brat, I have raging issues. I have to have them in order to excuse my sorry existence; it makes me feel alive.Somehow in the middle of last night, I was haunted. So many angry things I couldn't think myself through at the same familiar green glow that haunted me two years ago. What's silly is that none of these things should really make me angry, a lot of buried ancient history. But I have the facts for once, whether I was ready or not, I made myself jump -- trying really hard not to make this into a victimized situation. Those moments slipping between conciousness and darkness were these nightmares, some hybrid of overzealous imagination of the worst kind and The Virgin Suicide anecdotes. I think I killed myself in five different ways last night; I think you helped.
On a much less angry note, I spent a beautiful day in LA with two friends who know me well. More road trip plans are in the move, if not to be displaced by visions of Manhattan & dancing down streets with Nicole, I'm letting everything flow (just like this paltry example of stream-of-conciousness). I'm so appreciating receiving emails from my much adored friends from Cambridge; it reminds me that this summer I learned how to truly live, and that I will know how to truly live here.
Wednesday, September 1, 2004
02:00 AM
Drink Up Baby Doll
The room is spinning; I'm on this sick cycle carousel ride that I strapped myself into. I'm still undecided about whether or not it's better to live in oblivion or to know everything. I feel like vomiting. (Is this just turning into the stomach flu?)& despite everything, my best friend understands everything without me having to say anything. Maybe that is one of the few things we're equipped with to handle this rough and tumble world and escape 80 years later with just a few bruises and bad knees. People who know you well.
I put up 90+ pictures for friends to look at online, which is barely over 10% of the pictures I have from my trip to Europe. I'm still debating how to fix it all up for public viewing.
