Saturday, June 26, 2004
07:41 AM
Cheerio, old chap!
I'm studying in Cambridge, UK for the summer. I will check comments from time to time, but there will be no (further) updates until the end of August. Also, my lovely friends will receive lengthy, incomprehensible eMails from time to time, & if you'd like to be on that unsolicited spam newsletter, you know how to reach me. Otherwise, have a fantastic summer!P.S. To friends: if you have not received an email from me already, it is because I do not have your email address at the address I am writing from (loveandtea@). You will have to send me an email or leave a comment so that you can be included in my mailing list (that is if you want to keep in contact with me, which I hope is true).
P.P.S. Cambridge (where I'm writing from now) is absolutely amazing.
Friday, June 25, 2004
02:36 PM
Open-hearted open fire.
One last real entry before the send off. The television is telling me to equate money with joy (The Fabulous Life of...) -- but no, wait, people and good friends are what will bring you through life (Dawson's Creek). But in all that, we forget to care about each other and become so obnoxiously self absorbed. Everyone wants to be the star of their own night time drama. It's really hurtful; we end up being awful to each other. We expect the world to center around us, and for other people to care about us as much as we do. I really will never understand why some people equate money with joy and success; I never will. I find my personal joy and success in the relationships I have with the people who become the most important in my life. This is disgustingly difficult, as I have come to learn in the past few years, because people are petty, jealous, and selfish (especially me). On second thought, I guess I do understand why people equate money with happiness -- it is a hell of a lot easier to deal with than other people. Money doesn't have opinions, bad moods, hurt feelings. But that's never going to be me (and thank goodness), and that will probably make my life a lot harder. But I promise to always value people above everything else; and I promise to be better and to be good. If only everyone else could take care of each other, and we all could realize that the world is bigger than us and we have very little time to do it right. That's why it's so easy for me to write off other people; if you mess up once, it's time to move on. There are 5.5 billion other people in the world ready to meet you. (I suppose that's not very caring of me, but to explain, if you have the balls to be an adult and have a open-hearted open-fire conversation to work things out, then it shows that a relationship is worth saving. My friend Whitney showed me how.)
Wednesday, June 23, 2004
07:55 PM
E! True Hollywood Story
So I realized I had spent almost $100 on books this past weekend, and I really need to get cracking on those (as I continue to sit here and type...) I also had amazing luck at the Anthropologie sale, oh a store after my own heart. I wish I could stop coveting things, libraries really are fabulous things...as are used book stores. But I'm such a superficial covet-er of things. Mmm love the things. Also, my mom told me she weighed 90 lbs. when she had me, and 88 lbs. after she had me. (She is also 1" taller than me). Must lose 20 pounds by the end of the summer...hmm I think the no-eating diet I plan to embark on in Cambridge will help.
Tuesday, June 22, 2004
12:58 AM
Whip, Snap, Judgement.
I'm on the new iBook right now, cause I figure I need to orient myself better with it before I leave for two months with nothing but this little bugger to connect me to the rest of my small world here in southern California. I have a question that I would really appreciate any of you out there in the internet world to help me out with: I need some sort of FTP program that is MAC compatible so that I can upload things onto this server (obviously). Where can I find one?Tonight my friends & I discovered that an old house moving down the street is a large event that draws out the whole town, the police, a marching band, and many cameras. It also calls for an ice cream social. We also discovered a little place (okay, Laura introduced us) called The Ugly Mug where fledgling acoustic singersongwriters who didn't make it out to San Diego or think making the drive from LA to the OC will earn them more gold stars play open mics every Monday night. We wrote on napkins there that I would show you pictures of, but see FTP problem above. The OC is getting so hip, I can't handle it!
I've watched sooo much tv...I'm getting dizzy. I really like those sentimental COKE and SPRINT commercials. Too bad I don't drink soda/use Sprint. I really do NOT enjoy the Oral B brush strip thing commercial though.
I still have a million things to do/read before leaving on a jetplane this Saturday!!! MAKE ME STOP WATCHING DR. PHIL!
One more thing: leave me your email address &/or email me your address if you want an email/a postcard from England.
Sunday, June 20, 2004
03:54 PM
Revised: 6 Days of Summer Left!
To Do List
-- Beach/Bonfire
-- Make cookies & have lemonade in my backyard
-- Tea party in the Victorian Manor
-- The Grove
-- Stepford Wives
-- Saved
-- Pick up last paycheck
-- Manicure/pedicure
-- Packing for England
-- Time with Megan in Redondo
-- Mraz at Disney Concert Hall
-- Read: One Hundred Years of Solitude
-- Send Janice When The Pawn...
-- Coffee w/ Diana
-- Move living room furniture to new apt.
-- Figure out NYC & DC trip
-- Unpack whole room
-- Bird by Bird
-- Oranges Are Not The Only Fruit
-- The Remains of The Day
-- Midnight's Children
-- The Famished Road
-- The Five People You Meet in Heaven (maybe)
Thursday, June 17, 2004
01:57 AM
"You & I Both" by Jason Mraz
There is a boy who knows the song of my heart, and never fails to sing it back to me in the moments when I get lost and hopeless. He is the sound of love, hope, and all things bright and beautiful. I saw him tonight amidst the big shiny buildings lit up like Hollywood stage sets just a little east of Hollywood. And he is the only boy who has never failed me yet.He did the original bridge to "You & I Both" tonight, and I fully realized how to let go. How to both let go of all things past and irrelevant, and to let go of present fear so that I can let go of myself and just take the blind leap before I look. I'm risking again, because I'm living like I've never been hurt. & if I ever ever ever find a love, I know you will be my lifeline.
What a beautiful night in the city I love/hate, with two of my best friends who I absolutely love. We had a late night dinner at Canter's next to Adam Brody & Rachel Bilson. Adam totally smiled at me as we made eye contact when my friends & I sat down, and I totally turned into a 12 year old girl on the inside. Oh, I love my life.
Wednesday, June 16, 2004
03:15 PM
"Come Back To Bed" by John Mayer
I really should learn to keep my stupid mouth shut.Don't you ever hold your love over my head.
Enough enigmatic entries. Back to the amazing world that is my real life.
01:54 AM
Lobotomy for One, Please.
Stop me before I think again.I'm seriously killing it for myself. Why do I have to kill it for myself? Why do I have to question and then break down my own hope just so I won't be disappointed? What a fucked up self defense mechanism this is.
I wish I could just suspend this feeling and the moment in the air, to stare at and fill my heart with hope until there is no time. I want to see Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind again and have him look at me that way just one more time before I leave.
Tuesday, June 15, 2004
03:52 PM
The 12 Days of Summer Extravaganza
To Do List
-- Beach/Bonfire
-- Make cookies & have lemonade in my backyard
-- Tea party in the rose garden
-- The Grove
-- Stepford Wives
-- Saved
-- Pick up last paycheck
-- Manicure/pedicure
-- Packing for England
-- Time with Meg in Laguna
-- Mraz at Disney Concert Hall
-- Read: One Hundred Years of Solitude
-- Send Janice When The Pawn...
-- Coffee w/ Diana
-- Move living room furniture to new apt.
-- Figure out NYC & DC trip
-- Unpack whole room
-- Finish: Franny & Zooey & Bird by Bird
12:57 PM
"The Kiss" by Tristan Prettyman
I'm going to hold my breath, shut my eyes, close my mouth, and let everything just move along. Having hope is hard.
Sunday, June 13, 2004
11:47 PM
"What We Want" by Jason Mraz
I went on the best date of my life with the boy of my dreams. No joke.
P.S. Thanks God, for getting the memo. Let the good season begin!
Friday, June 11, 2004
12:12 AM
"Someone Like You" by Saba
Life has such a funny way of working things out when everything's gone wrong.I think it would be funny
If you could only know
All the ways that I think of you
And all the ways that I don't
Would you turn and walk away
Would you turn around and run
Or would you smile as if to say,
"Not knowing is half the fun"
Thursday, June 10, 2004
11:51 AM
"Good Morning Little School Girl" by Jonny Lang
I'm so happy because the bookstore actually bought back all my textbooks this time, instead of throwing them back in my face, screaming, "DO YOU THINK WE SUPPORT YOU HIPPIE ARTSY STUDENTS HERE?!? WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS IS?? BERKELEY?!?" So with the 10% I got back, I bought myself a new textbook. I'm going to be reading that, along with finishing Bird By Bird, Franny and Zooey, Lullaby, starting One Hundred Years of Solitude, The Remains of the Day, & etc. books for Cambridge...
Oh what a lovely life it is to read, eat and be a barista for three days, guiltless underneath the gorgeous sandy eggo weather that has come back to reclaim summer. Well, maybe the world is a little scarier (yet hilarious) because of the worst album covers of all time. (Courtesy of Ms. Philly Brentnall.)
P.S. This song reminds me of you, dirty old man.
Wednesday, June 9, 2004
10:30 PM
"Life On Mars" by David Bowie
Good news: my laptop and I are working things through and getting along better than ever. We'll be going on our honeymoon to Europe in 17 days.Okay, I just killed the metaphor.
Doesn't matter...in about 13 hours, I will be done with my sophomore year of college. I'm trying to compile a list of things I learned this year. I am starting to realize I learned shit...I'm working on trying to find the lesson to lessen the pain.
I learned a lot about people this year -- learning quickly how to distinguish between those who matter and are worth the time, from those who don't matter and aren't worth the air they waste. I learned that I love my Ms. Ahndre 3000: past suitemate, future roommate, and other half of The In Crowd/Jin & Tonics. I can't write right now. I'll get more philosophical later, and remember to mind my Ps & Qs in terms of thanking all the right people for this very difficult year. Stay tuned for life lessons according to Ann. (There will, however, be no numerical analysis of my sophomore year. Although I am proud to announce that I am only on crush #100008, so I tamed my crushaholic tendencies.)
05:03 PM
"City Love" by John Mayer
Things like Edy's & Dreyer's and Hardee's & Carl's Jr. freak me out. What's the point? Could a corporation not stay united?On another note, I realized I am not an idealist for nothing -- this whole country is. I'm a product of my environment. The whole U.S. is joining into this bizarre romanticizating of Reagan way out of proportion. Does no one remember that he could not even say the A-word? And the fact that too many people died because of his vehement denial? No, dude, let's put him on the $10 bill for turning this country ass backwards.
01:57 PM
Good thing the wheel is round.
When I get back this summer, I will tell you about the sunsets in Sweden, the laws of Eden, and how I was the rock of Gibralter, and maybe I'll earn the right to be called foxy.Nothing between me and Cambridge in 21 hours. Okay, maybe except for work until Sunday.
Tuesday, June 8, 2004
06:16 PM
Is it totally wrong that I find that really hot?
05:47 PM
"Anything At All" by Tristan Prettyman
There are a lot of things that are hurting right now. I'm feeling incredibly alone -- not lonely, but alone. I think I've just got to really learn how to handle stuff so that letting go will become the easy part. I just want to sink to the bottom.
09:28 AM
Maybe just a guy like you
and maybe just a girl like me
Maybe we could take a walk on the wild side.
Le Sigh. Je souhaite que j'ai parlé le francais.
Monday, June 7, 2004
09:15 PM
"Tonight, Not Again" by Jason Mraz
My new laptop and I need to go to couple's therapy. There is a lot of misunderstanding and miscommunication going on, and I'm horribly depressed. I don't think I can love it as much as I love my first computer.Also, not another boy with sequined sea foam eyes.
You can expect a lot of nonsequitor, nonsensical posts this week as I'm staring at the eye of the storm and walking right into it. Finals season, hurrah!
TO DO TONIGHT
1. Finish revising Conversations Under Moon & The Runaway Practicum
2. Answer first question of VIS 111 final essay
3. Practice for French oral
4. Review conditional & subjunctive in French
5. Take 3 French quizzes
6. Practice sentences 1 - 25 in Ch. 6
05:13 PM
"Anything At All" by Tristan Prettyman
I really do love my job as a barista. My manager is the sweetest girl ever, and she told me to come back when I get back from Cambridge if I wanted to work.Also, I get to see the people who support anti-corporate coffee, like my favorite VisArt TA who just graduated today.
01:04 PM
"China Girl" by David Bowie
I recently developed a crush on David Bowie, and his (not David Bowie) band's name is Please Mr. Gravedigger.I mean, really.
Sunday, June 6, 2004
05:30 PM
"Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want" by the Smiths
I've got a secret smile that stretches for miles and miles.
Saturday, June 5, 2004
11:02 PM
"Shy That Way" by Tristan Prettyman & Jason Mraz
I feel like I'm cheating on this computer with my new ibook. I love them both equally...maybe this one more because I'm a loyal type of gal. I wonder how I will ever have more than one child.
05:14 PM
"Someone Like You" by Saba
So I went with my friend Yung to shop for her wedding shoes, and I came back with my ibook.Hurray! It only took me three cards...haha and now I have absolutely no available credit line. Whee. IF THERE ARE ANY MAC ENTHUSIASTS OUT THERE, email me now.
02:31 PM
"It's Over" by Sondre Lerche
You know what is one thing I love? Getting personalized mixed tapes. But you know what's one thing I love more than getting mixed tapes? When those mixed tapes get better after time. I found a dusty one sitting in the tape deck of my car from my music snob friend. The funny thing is that I learned to love a bunch of songs this year while working at the snobbiest radio station ever, and I realized today that they were already on my mixed tapes from two years ago. I win for being most oblivious kid ever.Also, why do I still have terrible taste in music after such elitist influence? Hmm.
Friday, June 4, 2004
01:28 AM
"Anything At All" by Tristan Prettyman
A reality check is the last thing I want. When I open my heart to bleed profusely before people, I want compassion and sympathy. I want to hear all the things I want to hear. I don't need a reality check.I also want to grip onto dearly with all my might the things that belong to me; the very elements that compose my character and me. I have this strange feeling they could easily slip away or be taken from me once someone else discovers they like that element and decide to take it on for themselves. I'm strange that way. I know rationally that it doesn't take away from anything that I am; but I've just been really irrational since I was small.
I feel like doing something drastic, like cry my heart out alone on the beach right now, cutting off all my hair, or doing some spring cleaning from my friendship case. I could really use a friend, actually. Someone with a great big heart. I am greedy, I don't think I can be enveloped in enough -- ever.
Hmm madness becoming fully realized. Don't worry, I'm fleeing the country soon enough, my shiny new (probably useless) international student ID in hand. And maybe then I can find peace in chaos.
Thursday, June 3, 2004
05:42 PM
"Wheel" by John Mayer
Do you think that the basis and underlying reason we can all get up in the morning and go on in everyday is because of hope? Or ignorance? Or faith? Or even, love? Or any combination of it all?
03:20 AM
"Wander This World" by Jonny Lang
There never was a hole there after all. There is no scotch tape or half-healed holes. On closer examination, I'm completely whole. The further departed I get from that period, the more I realize that he never even left -- I did. And I realize I sound completely insane, chasing nothing across the world in the next three months, nothing I can explain or understand even -- except this burning desire to understand. To make life real. There are so many moments where I grasp a glimpse of everything that compartmentalizes my life, and it gets too much and it gets so hard to breathe. Maybe I'm completely insane, to be running so far as fucking England, and to refuse to settle until I'm exhausted running around the states, maybe I'm completely insane to want to make anything real because I have learned that a lot of things are better left romanticized way out of proportion...
But as a very brilliant girl named Tahnie once said -- sometimes you just have to live.
Wednesday, June 2, 2004
12:53 PM
"Lie To Me" by Jonny Lang
I'm sitting at the library again because I think I get more work done here. I just remembered that I forgot to mention Fresh Yarn. During that week I was sans internet connection, I discovered Fresh Yarn by accident at the library looking up Francesca Lia Block -- it's a great site full of a bunch of personal essays from acclaimed writers, actors, producers, artists of the sort including Ms. Block. You should definitely take the time to check it out if you're into that sort of thing. You know I am.
01:08 AM
"Victoria" by John Mayer
Someone explain to me why flying 3,000 miles is cheaper than flying 1,250. Is it because there are more flights to NYC?
Tuesday, June 1, 2004
10:06 PM
"0% Interest" (piano solo version) by Jason Mraz
ATTN: Banana, Big Potato, Ro, little Miss KDPhi, Hooker, Irene, Meg, Diana, Raye, & ObedRE: Two Week Summer Extravaganza
I demand some quality time with all of you in the two weeks of summer I have in 8 days. Pencil me in, now!
--
Can I be avoiding writing a four page paper analyzing one sentence any more?
08:58 PM
"Limp" by Fiona Apple
Wow I'm way too proud of the way the porch project turned out, I finished putting the project proposal, concept, & pictures under art.*Also added: Self Portrait in Pink.
05:16 PM
"Runaway Run" by Hanson
My mom called to tell me my ticket to London by way of New York City arrived in the mail today. What a trip reality is becoming.
