Monday, May 31, 2004

11:51 PM

"She's Losing It" by Belle & Sebastian

Revelation #145: After a careful account of our combined experiences and experiments, my roommates and I decided this weekend that monogamous boys are way better kissers than boys who are mansluts. You would think the opposite would be true, but no. Sadly, no.

09:45 PM

"Hazy Jane II" by Nick Drake

I'm sure my parents will be real happy to know that they're spending $12,000+ a year for their daughter to build things out of wooden craft sticks. I'll post more information, including my proposal & manifesto and the finished project as it gets nearer to Wednesday. Yay for art classes with no structure.

06:14 PM

"Runaway Run" by Hanson

Like a twin sister who intuitively knows me too well for it to be good -- Gina threw me into teenybopper mode again as I watched the VH1 All Access on Hanson. I'm such a sucker -- absolute puddle of sap for Taylor Hanson holding a baby named Ezra. 7 years later, they crack a smile or say something completely dorky, and I'm in love all over again. The all too familiar pitter patter that is still yet unmatched & somehow twisted in songs are the time capsules of everything that ever inspired me and carried me through to where I am now -- that still inspire me. I watched the VH1 special as Taylor held Ezra on one arm and Natalie's hand in his other, and I know that's what I want: a beautiful husband holding my baby and my hand. Maybe just not at 20.

Yeah I'm a huge teenybopper nerd with bad taste in music and the thick skin to disregard what people think; not much has changed in seven years.

And I waited for you
Just a picture and a feeling and a face

As I walked into this old forgotten hall
Just one look and I began to fall
Wish I could frame you and this feeling on the wall
To stare at 'til there is no time

When you weep you can know that it's all right
As you sleep I'll just follow your door light
We can talk just as long as you hold on tight
Just one breath is a million sighs
I can tell every breath that you're breathing
I can feel every thought that you're thinking
When we talk it's a thousand years gone by
You and I

Run, run, runaway, run
Maybe some day I will find someone too
Maybe some day I'll find some way
Maybe some day I'll run away too

02:40 PM

"Spooky" by Atlanta Rhythm Section

Among my circles of girl friends, I'm always nominated Carrie. I really hope this is related to my tendency to overanalyze everything and the fact that I'm a writer -- and not a way of voting me Most Likely To Cheat On My Perfect Boyfriend With My Married Ex-Love-Of-My-Love. Although if that were the case, I hope the ex-love-of-my-life will be Jake Gyllenhaal. I somehow don't feel guilty if it happens to Kirsten Dunst...

Sunday, May 30, 2004

05:56 PM

"Summer Breeze" by Jason Mraz

Do you ever get sick of hearing me romanticize my life way out of proportion? Then make sure to skip this entry -

I am truly in great appreciation of my life right now. Since I'm a faithful follower of the everything happens for a reason philosophy, I get corny about balance. Maybe I'm coming into a good season, or maybe I've finally learned what I'm supposed to be learning this year, and seeing the bright side of it all. Of making lemonade out of lemons, or rather, throwing my lemons back at life and adding a couple more of my own. ;) I've gotta live up to my spunk.

I have, to my delight, made some pretty great friends this year. I really like it when people surprise me with their sense of adventure. It's been one of those really great weekends, and "Summer Breeze" is just the perfect soundtrack. I worked this morning, then spent the afternoon at the beach reading Bird by Bird and putting some quality thoughts into my journal. I'm finally seeing some tip money from work, and a big fat paycheck by Friday that will take me across the country in September and closer to my first pair of Manolos. JK about the Manolos...at least for another five years.

Now I'm going to wash the espresso, sunscreen, and seaweed out of my hair and head down to a cafe that overlooks the cove as if I were on the Tuscan seaside, and try to remember I'm still in school, and sadly, I still want to go to grad school. But I think I owe it to my life, myself, and my family, for making everything beautiful. I need to be corny because I am so grateful of it all: I love my work; I love my study; I love my life. Now I'm just anticipating my next great love: Cambridge.

02:39 AM

"The Way You Look Tonight" by Frank Sinatra

I'm a little disappointed that Jake Gyllenhaal is in The Day After Tomorrow...because that means I have to see it now.

Oh the things I do to get a little eye candy.

Saturday, May 29, 2004

12:44 PM

"La Da Da" by Jason & Jane

Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?

A: Unique up on it!

12 more days!

Friday, May 28, 2004

11:38 PM

"Ode To Nothing" by Pete Thurston

I think it's really weird that I am where I am now, when a year ago I was on this director/film track. I'm doing an internship at either a television studio or local magazine this fall. I'm trying to figure out what aspect of media I want to delve into, because I know the brainwashing manipulation of good media art is where I want to go. I have some interviews and etc. lined up next week so that I can attempt to have everything set for September before running away for eight weeks.

Now I'm on the poor writer/artist on the sidewalk track. Actually -- I've always been on this track, I'm just don't deny it anymore. There is however, no shame in saying I love my life. I love the feeling I get as my fingers dance across the keyboard committing scenes, people, delicate moments, and shamelessly cliche starry nights onto paper. I love the revision process I go through to weed out the obnoxiously corny parts to create something even more defined and beautiful; I think subtlety is a beautiful craft I'd like to become more well versed in. I love the feeling of a perfect shadow on the edge of her face, I love the feeling of smeared oils in my weary hands. I love seeing the silver gelatin give way to dark and light space, I love the warm mount board fresh out of the press. I love the type of people I get to meet who are fierce and talented, I love the people who honestly believe in the poor bohemian lifestyle; there is something beautiful about the juxtaposition of passion and struggle. It takes a lot of love. And that is my choice.

04:42 PM

"Melt With You" by Modern English

I really should listen to my mom.

Thursday, May 27, 2004

09:32 PM

"Grace is Gone" by Dave Matthews Band

I really don't understand the drama my peers like to evoke; some are necessary, and some are completely unnecessary.

I was talking to a good friend earlier this evening about it, and I realized my explanation for how I deal with bullshit friends makes me sound bitter, but it really is that black and white to me. Because I say what I mean when it gets to that point; if you are bullshit and I don't like you as a human being, it's very easy for me to remove you from my world. As I wouldn't mind to be removed from yours; the thing is, I won't be fake to you and smile and say hello. If I don't like you, you simply do not exist. It's really quite simple, uncomplicated, and undramatic. I am not bitter, I am not actively ignoring you -- there is just absolutely zero tolerance and henceforth zero time or attention.

It simply just isn't my style to be fake, to be bitter, to be dramatic or to care about people who don't.

I really thought I should just address this issue because I know that some of the aforementioned bullshit "friends" read this, and I wanted to address them because they obviously do not have the balls to ever talk to me directly about it though they care enough to involve other people.

And I think that it is one of the most important things I learned this year in the midst of swimming in bullshit people.

Amendment: I knew this entry would attract exactly what I was talking about. So you will be back to your regularly scheduled shallow program, merci beaucoup.

03:26 PM

"Summer Days" by Phoenix

As I was walking back from class today, I remembered something Justin said last night that made me break into a big, wide grin. Maybe it wouldn't be funny to anyone outside of the four of us, maybe it wasn't that funny at all. But that's when I felt incredibly grateful; good friends are almost impossible to come by. I am so lucky to have three truly great friends who can make me break into a big, wide grin no matter what, just because I remembered something they said last night, or a month ago, or a year ago. And I know that that is just the surface of what they mean to me.

GAHHH I CAN'T WAIT FOR MY TWO WEEK SUMMER EXTRAVAGANZA!

Monday, May 24, 2004

09:26 PM

Clickity clack clack

Gina brought to my attention the importance in the sound of the keyboard when we were researching the ibook I will probably purchase in a few weeks. I'm at the library right now, because the internet in our hall is going to be out for the next week, and the keyboard on this computer gives me a great satisfaction as I hear its elaborate clickity click clacks. I sound a little insane, probably from the internet withdrawl & Gina withdrawl combined (the internet left the moment she did! Coincidence? I think not!).

It was an amazing amazing weekend with my true twin, and I rediscovered the beauty of my life and of my dangerously underrated southern California. I have a billion pictures to post, but again, as the internet isn't working, you will all have to wait.

I am feeling truly inspired again in my life, somewhat provoked by rediscovering the magic of Francesca Lia Block, and I have a million things I want to read, write, make, sleep, watch, reread, say, and do. (Including, but not limited to: a million books, esp. One Hundred Years of Solitude, afternoon catnaps, Hedwig and the Angry Inch, both Kill Bills, tea in the rose garden with Monica & Danielle, Jason Mraz at Disney Hall, revisions of my fiction pieces The Runaway Practicum and Conversations Under Moon, rereading Dangerous Angels, finishing the Japanese Garden Bridge painting for my grandma, saving $300 from my coffee job, The Grove again & again, writing at the old Farmer's Market, etc.) All before I leave for Cambridge in a month. Please leave me messages to look forward to as I frequent the library to get my internet fix like a good junkie would. One love.

Monday, May 17, 2004

01:24 PM

"Curbside Prophet 04" by Jason Mraz

This version of "Curbside Prophet" makes my skin crawl.

What the hell?

Sunday, May 16, 2004

11:23 PM

"Hold On" by Mary Beth

I'm doing this project for my structure of art class that involves making a self-portrait in the model of a sandwich. I am doing a falafel pita concept of letters. I am writing 19 letters to 19 influential people who may or may not have been in my life. They are color coded by relation (family, self, friends, inspirational mentors, strangers, anti-love, romances). I really like this project...I'm saying a lot of what I mean, finally.

In particular, I'm finding the letters to myself interesting in a melodramatic way. One of them being a letter to my sixteen year old self:

Dear Ann,

This is a tough letter to write because the advice I dispense here may mean I don't even exist now if you take it. But you know (well I know) that you will just read it, think about it, and forget about it.

In a week, your life will change. This will be the most eventful year of your life, and you will come out looking like shit. But your strength will be beautiful. You will be beautiful with scars and stitches and wounds. Your heart will be terribly broken. But hey, you'll lose 10 lbs. by next September!

You will meet the first love of your life tomorrow. He will be everything you never thought you needed. He will surprise you, enlighten you, love you. He is for real, but he will also break your heart. You will feel insane, but don't be cruel. He will be the last straw; you will lose the will to love and live. But you will also find the courage to.

You will lose your grandfather in a week, but you will be blessed to keep your grandmother in six months. Speak louder at the funeral, angels are really high up. You will discover the courage of your own strength & the strength and weaknesses of your family. They will become real people, and you will choose to love them.

You will also lose two people you thought were your best friends, to lies and high school politics. This does not devalue your worth as a person. Do not even try to rectify the situation, there are many many many real, honest people in the world who value your worth as a friend. Some are already right in front of you.

Do not take AP Calculus, it will only be a waste of time. Sleep more, you will break out less. Relax, you are getting into college. Prom is overrated, but tilt your head more in the picture. Do NOT miss that last Jason Mraz show at Java Joe's next June. I love you, and so do many other people.

xoxo
ann

10:48 PM

"No Ordinary Love" by Sade

They don't fit me like you did. Why?

02:14 AM

"Gene Autry" by Beulah

I used to have the biggest crush on Peter Pan when I was little. A boy who could fly you away from all your troubles, who fought pirates, and who never had to grow up? Dreamy.

Am I getting old and cynical? Now I rely on airplanes to fly me away from all my troubles, crush on pirates in amusement park theme ride films, and am incredibly sick of boys who never grow up.

P.S. Everyone in my real life should stop having a better relationship with my website than with me. Just a warning.

Saturday, May 15, 2004

08:16 PM

"Criminal" by Fiona Apple

Modest Mouse was playing in the Gap today. The world is truly a strange place.

Thursday, May 13, 2004

09:54 PM

"California" by Phantom Planet

In five weeks, I will be considered a college senior. I'm handling everything that's coming into my life really well, and I'm getting that health thing under control. I actually slept last night; I am learning to treat myself better.

My interview went well this afternoon, I do believe. We'll see on Monday.

I think there is a sickness of the heart that happens when there aren't moments or people in my life that take my breath away. I need that inspiration more so than ever; I need something to keep my pulse going. I've overdrawn from all my previous reserves of love and emotion -- you can only moore over love gained and lost for so long. It's not anyone's fault, nor is it my own...I guess, just like everyone else, I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Wednesday, May 12, 2004

09:58 PM

"Water" by Jason Mraz

I'm really impressed with the new Blogger interface (even though I use greymatter for this, I still use Blogger for my secret life as a double agent).

Dammit, I feel slightly motivated to redesign. I haven't redesigned in almost two years, I was really in love with this design. I'm really too strapped for time in the next five months however...I do think I'm going to carry ahead with the slight redesign I was thinking of, but tons of new photographs need to be scouted (will probably be done when Gina is visiting).

These were really just musings for myself. I am almost done with the first draft of my fictional piece, I really like it so far even though I drastically cut the plot down. Would anyone want to read it when I finish with revisions?

07:46 PM

"If I Ever Feel Better" by Phoenix

I have this problem. If I am physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted, yet not feeling satisfied (with myself, my relationships, my love), I have incredible amounts of anxiety that I don't even conciously acknowledge, which results in my inability to sleep. I cannot for the life of me, fall asleep and get peaceful rest. I haven't slept in three days, but I'm so tired it makes me cry. After my first day of training, three hours of class, and intense creativity block, I feel like one big dirty coffee breath mouth.

I need a really good hug.

Tuesday, May 11, 2004

05:38 PM

"Leaving On A Jet Plane" (covered) by Chantal Kreviazuk

I had a really restless night; I couldn't sleep for hours and when I did fall asleep it was disjunct and disturbed by strange dreams of time passing quickly. I remember my brother and I were pinning up a calendar that said November 2004 already. Gah?

I got a job today though! Hurray! I start tomorrow! I'm really happy because I forgot I had turned in this application, the manager is the sweetest and she was very on the ball about contacting me, and it starts right away. All the things I look for in a job (and perhaps a boy) right now! I can now check coffee girl off my list of things to do/be in my life.

And for now, a nap.

01:03 AM

"Summer Breeze" (covered) by Jason Mraz

I wrote four pages of my fictional piece tonight. It looks like it's going to be much longer; maybe twelve pages. She just left, and she has three towns to visit before her delusions are figured out (?) I am of course, writing a story about running away.

This song makes me so happy. It personifies summer, although it is 30 days away from me. But oh I have so much to look forward to in these next 30 days. :)

Monday, May 10, 2004

08:37 PM

"Get Up and Go" by Hanson

Never work for Disney unless you plan on making it a career, because once they own your soul, you will never get it back (for free, that is).

I got a job today, sort of. I went in for my interviews, and the manager basically confirmed that I will start on Wednesday and Friday for my coffee&tea training -- she just has to call my references to verify I'm not a stinkin liar. She's really sweet, the pay is good, and I like the coffeehouse. She told me she would call me back later today to confirm, and she does end up calling me about an hour after I get back from my interview.

Apparently, Disney's Human Resources sent her on a wild goose chase and basically told her that she would have to charge $10 to verify that I was once one of their minions. She said she would follow up other ways to verify, and get back to me.

So the little black mouse reminded me who's boss (still), and then flaunts it by selling my soul for $10. Of which I get no backend.

Sunday, May 9, 2004

12:41 AM

Weekend Update

I'm investigating the new laptop I'm getting before this summer. I am interested in getting this iBook or this notebook. I need all your expert advice/experiences (with Macs in particular). I'm keeping the desktop that I got a little less than two years ago, which is fabulous for all my memory-consuming needs, so really I need a little notebook to tote around and do all my writing and etc. on for when I study abroad and when I live off campus next year.

Merci beaucoup!

Friday, May 7, 2004

12:19 PM

"Name" by the Goo Goo Dolls

It's lonely where I am.

Where are you?

12:43 AM

"Come Back Home" by Pete Yorn

I was browsing through old archives looking for a way to create a personal narrative of the year that has been most significant in my life (senior year of high school), and I found some pretty fantastic things. Although I realize I should stop reveling in the comfort of the past instead of dealing with the harsh present and immediate future where things fall apart.

One of them being that I realized I don't think I told certain people I loved them as much as I truly did. I was so incredibly self-centered, more so than now believe it or not. But believe me when I say, that if you were part of those people, that I loved you more than life itself. You were my life.

And the second being Monica's anecdote about USC when I was scheduling my interview with their admissions office: "I was sitting there waiting for my interview and the hottest guy on earth walks up to me and says 'Are you the one o'clock?' and I was like 'Yeah...' but then this old guy comes up and says 'She's the one o'clock interview, not tour." I've never been so mad in my life."

I think I know where I'm going to schedule a tour when I'm bored and everyone else has already started school in September ;)

Thursday, May 6, 2004

03:35 PM

"Hit or Miss" by Newfound Glory

Boys really crack me up because they think they're so right about everything and that they have the whole world pegged -- when in reality, they don't have the slightest clue about what they're talking about. And then they blame girls for being completely irrational, when they are the ones most likely to be pushed drastically in one direction or another in emotions when it comes down to it.

Oh man, I could go on about how easily manipulated and simple minded boys are, but I'm late for lecture. Oh, and I got another job interview set up for Monday that I forgot I had applied for at another coffeehouse. I am so addicted to the process of job getting, but I like to think of it as preparing myself for the real world and learning how to sell myself well. ;)

Wednesday, May 5, 2004

12:06 AM

"Miss Misery" by Elliott Smith

I really want to start on my final story project for my fiction class, but I keep putting it off. I have a great concept that I've worked out and talked to my professor about so that I have a clearer idea of execution, and on the long drives I took this weekend I developed some great characters, locations, and moments. But I am strangely scared to put it all down on paper. I guess I'm just scared it won't come out reflected as a perfect reconstruction from my head. It's been a long time since I wrote a fictional piece on whatever I wanted, and I'm not feeling so confident that I can pull it off without something else to blame it on (i.e. procrastination).

Monday, May 3, 2004

10:02 PM

"Stupid Girl" by Garbage

The heat is oppressive. Gorgeous, but oppressive. It's making me the crazy.

I promise myself I will do all my work before midnight tonight. I will I will I will. Laundry + read 2 short stories + 2 grammar transformations + 1 chapter of grammar + review for VIS midterm.

I just wanted to take a moment to say that I absolutely adore my twin. Without her, I don't think I would be half as sane as I am now. I really hope she gets to visit me this quarter and I can take her with me to every coffee shop show ever and we can talk until we're blue in the face...and keep talking, with blue faces. :)

I'm in a fantastic mood because I have fantastic friends.

And I refuse to let myself be worked up over the insensitivity evoked by the ignorance of incredibly inane people.

11:52 AM

"Photo Jenny" by Belle & Sebastian

Nevermind, I changed girl again. Too much psychobabble bullshit in the first one. Simple, yet again.

Thanks to Mark for calling me yesterday and leaving a voicemail with the goodness of Belle & Sebastian live from Coachella...I'm not bitter, I swear.

01:16 AM

"Sunrise" by Norah Jones

I updated girl, replacing the minimalistic autobiography with an even more convulted and exaggerated version of madness. Good times; I actually discovered an old biography in the process of rewriting this one -- and realized in sadness that I knew myself way better three years ago.

Anyway, I also updated the reading list -- and as you may notice, I have a bad tendency to start things and never end them. But I must must must finish Lullaby by Wednesday so that I may return it.

Sunday, May 2, 2004

10:55 PM

"Destination" by Sugarcult

There are no words to express the hate I have for Ticketmaster.

That's all.