Thursday, April 29, 2004

08:27 PM

"Heart & Shoulder" by Heather Nova

I changed my mind about the survey. Too pointless.

However, good quote (from Gina from friend from random homeless guy):
"While people may be very intelligent, they are emotionally retarded. People all have different codes they send their emotions out in. For some damn reason people believe that others will understand that random code. If you have something to say, SAY IT!! It saves a lot of time."

It's just been reiterated over and over to me to say what I mean.

So here are a couple things I honestly do mean, that I haven't said in the past few months.

1) It is not okay with me what you guys did, and it never will be. But what's done is done, and I'm over it -- just don't pretend we're friends.

2) Stop using people. Thanks.

3) Thank you for being there. I would stop the world for each of you. Your countless hours of patience and heart are the reason I'm alive.

4) I would give you my heart and my shoulder, if you needed it. But you need to let me know it's okay, my heart is delicately scotch-taped together. I honestly believe that the two of us have a lot to learn from each other.

5) Your inspiration has meant more to me than you will ever know; your singular influence has shaped my life to everything it is today. I am eternally grateful that you found yourselves when you did.

6) Your actions speak louder than your words; good thing they're saying all the right things. You will always be in the greatest parts of me, and I'm really glad you stuck around through the worst parts. Now get that dirty smile off your face.

Everything turns out as it should. I'm not trying to be passive aggressive by writing this online instead of saying it to the people who deserve to hear it -- but there is a fine line between bluntness and -- oh shit I forgot the word. I suppose, careful, but something better than that -- someone offer something. Considerate. Thoughtful. About my bluntness. Saying what you really mean is difficult enough.

03:23 PM

"By Your Side" by Sade

I am going to see Jason Mraz at the Disney Hall on June 16. I may go see him in San Diego on June 20. I haven't decided yet, now that I've realized I don't leave for Cambridge until June 27. I think it would be a lovely send off, don't you? Then again, I remember how low in funds I am. Good thing payroll is next week. I'll be rolling in that $.03/word for the last 7 articles I wrote before you know it...

I'm so desperate to get away from here I'm running away to another country on the other side of the world. For this weekend, I'm going to settle for three hours north. Let me know if you want to meet me there.

Wednesday, April 28, 2004

01:59 PM

"Everytime" by Britney Spears

I'm so In The Zone right now, if you know what I mean. ;)

Photography minor? (+4 classes)
Studio minor? (+5 classes)
Communications minor? (+7 classes)
Film minor? (+4 classes)

Misc. Classes I Want to Take (outside of major coursework):
- ACTING (THAC 101)
- PAINTING (VIS 106A/106B)
- PHOTOGRAPHY (VIS 164/165 w/ Kester)
- SOCIOLOGY (INTRO)
- DANCE

I used to make schedules of my days when I was younger, from 5:00pm to 6:00pm was time to read, 6:00pm to 7:00pm was time to eat, 3:00pm - 4:00pm was time to swim, etc. I find myself going back into that again -- somehow, if everything is slotted into a time, the day moves faster. However, just like when I was younger, I never followed them.

Tuesday, April 27, 2004

09:29 PM

"Haunted" by SheBlondeSwede

My mind has been the constant crashing of waves onto shore the last few days. So instead of wallowing in a deep tide pool of everything that's wrong, I went to the beach yesterday instead of French class, and made this:

Good Things:
- peace of mind for free
- summer
- the ocean breeze
- my roommates Meg & Whitney
- my partner in crime, who is available at any hour
- Paul's comforter
- long phone conversations with people who know me well
- free choice
- comfortable jeans
- learning the lesson/clarity
- grey puppies with blue eyes
- The Grove in L.A.
- long drives
- Le Peep
- a lease that starts June 10
- having someone to hold my hand, always
- Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
- hindsight
- local artists
- San Diego
- being challenged to write fiction again
- the end of 2nd year
- home friends
- pending travel plans
- Cambridge

Sunday, April 25, 2004

11:45 PM

"CRL" by SheBlondeSwede

I drove for an hour around San Diego. Slowly, quickly, racing myself, running from everything. I couldn't find the directions home; I'm too far away. I drove past the old Java Joe's on Santa Monica & Bacon in Ocean Beach, several times. Wishing for something safer, something older, something familiar. Something like two summers ago.

I was racing myself on the 5 North back. Then I realized, what's the hurry? I was so tempted to roll past the exit and find myself tonight in my nice clean safe pink sheets in my nice clean safe pink room. The same room I've had since I was 9. I'm so tired of getting older, I'm so tired of growing up. I can feel the apathy rising and the rest of me sinking; I can feel anything that was ever good about me slipping away from my grasp.

Maybe it had already slipped away a long time ago, and I'm just lying to myself. A year ago isn't that long, really. I should still have a good grip. I really think karma is working backwards. Or I must have done something very wrong in past lives.

11:45 AM

"Cannonball" by Damien Rice

He reminds me so much of me without you two years ago. That was a shitty spring. The gaping hole you left inside me is smaller now, but I still haven't found a peg that fits. You don't fit anymore, either. I can't blame you for everything, we both know I am the master at creating holes, including the one I've burrowed myself so deeply and comfortably into this year. I am ridiculous, spouting bullshit about wanting to have lunch with my future self and all the wonderful advice the future me would give the present me. But two years later, I still don't know what to say to my then-self.

05:40 AM

"GetAway" by SheBlondeSwede

I wish I could run away too.

Thursday, April 22, 2004

01:33 PM

"Plane Goes Down" by Jason Mraz

So I skipped one class today because I've really had enough for this week -- so deeply undermotivated, it's scary. I have bad ADD this week. I want to get a new skirt.

INSTEAD, I'm going to make a To-Do List so that my lack of class at this present moment will be justified.

To Do List for Thursday (revised at 12:00am)
- Edit Cathy's papers
- Laundry
- Le Chemin Du Retour ep. 13, 14, 15
- Read pg. 36 - 53 of Les Jeux Sont Faits
- Start short story revision (due TUESDAY)
- Hiatus meeting at 7pm
- VIS 111 Lecture
- Gym (tomorrow morning)
- Clean
- Write cards
- GET SOME SLEEP
- shower

I got my pictures developed (finally -- they date back to November), and I realized I look like an effing crackwhore in most of them because of the (apparently) perpetual bags under my eyes. I really should get more sleep.

Wednesday, April 21, 2004

10:17 PM

"I Love Rock & Roll" by Joan Jett

The UK Orientation was today -- I'm terribly excited for this summer and something new. I think I will be happy.

11:19 AM

"No Doubling Back" by Jason Mraz

I had this terrible dream about my dad remarrying my uncle's new wife, and she was an evil stepmother with evil stepchildren and an evil step dog, and I think I quite surely was going to kill my father. By poison. Don't mess with my mom and my dogs, is the moral of the story I guess.

Although I have quite a good relationship with both my parents and my family right now, so it was a fairly unprecedented dream -- except for maybe the frustration in my life manifesting itself through more familiar people. Frustration and helplessness. That's me.

12:34 AM

"Call Me On Your Way Back Home" by Ryan Adams

I don't believe in anything anymore.

Monday, April 19, 2004

11:51 PM

"Shy That Way" by Jason Mraz & Tristan Prettyman

What's your ideal weekend?

Sunday, April 18, 2004

07:38 PM

"Too Young" by Phoenix

It happened one Saturday night a few weekends ago. Justin was telling me that I am pretty harsh when it comes to forgiving. I think that I am fully warranted, as is everyone else, to be harsh when there is a wrong committed against you. He says I should give people second chances, and I think I do. Oh I do, second, third, fourth chances. But I'm pretty stubborn; if you wrong me once, shame on you, if you wrong me twice, shame on me. I particularly cannot stand liars, which is what our conversation was about.

Just a random thought I wanted to write down because I didn't want to forget about it. I have a terrible memory, which is interesting that I would be such a stubborn unforgiving person. I don't hold grudges though, oh my, I'm way too old, busy, and forgetful to hold grudges. Grudges require energy; energy I don't have since I'm an old lady.

I'm just following my own rules of surrounding yourself with people who treat you well and in turn, treating others well.

Saturday, April 17, 2004

04:27 AM

"Falling In Love" by Howie Day

I love my best friend. She is my lobster :)

Thursday, April 15, 2004

02:49 PM

"Satin Doll" by Ella Fitzgerald

In my shortsightedness, I have not gone to any hip hop or pilates classes this quarter. I forgot that taking all upper division leaves very little room to breathe, sleep, or eat, much less work my abs. I have been going to the gym, because it is convenient (and saving my sanity) to work out at 9pm. Too bad they do not offer pilates at night. So instead of getting fabulous hardcore abs and becoming increasingly sassy with my hip hop walk, I have written twenty pages, read three novels, slept less than 20 hours a week, and sweat a whole lot. I am currently in the middle of a french novel (Les Jeux Sont Faits, if you have read this please talk to me), and of writing my own.

I figured out why I forgot to eat for two days last week; and in turn I remembered why I do not drink or eat diet anything. It fucks with your system, man. So last week, one of my roommates recommended the Fuze Slenderize at the dining hall. Being that I never learn from my mistakes of listening to her food suggestions, I pick one up. So it's alright, it's a sugarless watery raspberry grapefruit sort of thing. The bottle describes in an ostentatious manner the varying vitamin this and natural plant derivative that about how everything is supposed to help you digest and suppress your appetite. However, it failed to mention that it would take away your appetite completely if you have two bottles within two days. So much so that you actually forget to eat, and if someone brings up the suggestion of eating to you, you feel nauseous. Fuze Slenderize took away the only joy in my life. So I am never drinking anything diet or "appetite suppressing" again.

On the upside, I have lost three pounds in the last two weeks. My goal is five by May 1.

Why does anyone read this shit?

Wednesday, April 14, 2004

09:52 PM

"Call Me On Your Way Back Home" by Ryan Adams

I just got back from an engagement party tonight; two older friends of mine just got engaged this morning. The guy called me yesterday to let me know that he and their other friends were going to throw a party at the end of the day so that all their friends could be there to celebrate with them on their day. I have never met two people more deserving of being married to each other; they are the two sweetest, most considerate, loving human beings I know and have the pleasure of being friends with.

I want to be engaged. I don't want a boyfriend, and I don't want to be married. But I want to be engaged; a period of love growing steady. I don't want something full of games and insecurity; I don't want something full of papers and formality. I want something growing into something even more beautiful. Maybe this will be the only time I will ever admit that to myself.

Tuesday, April 13, 2004

07:33 PM

Spring Break Commentary

I realized I didn't say much about Spring Break afterwrds, but let's just say it was heavenly.

I'll let the few pictures do the talking; it was much better and much more packed, but not everything was caught on film. In fact, barely any was.

01:36 AM

"If I Ever Feel Better" by Phoenix

I am angry. I am frustrated. I am depressed. I am disappointed. I am starving. I am fat. I am fed up. I am blunt. I am lonely. I am claustraphobic. I am all these things at nothing in particular.

Except that I think it's time for a good season in my life.

Monday, April 12, 2004

12:20 PM

"Troubador Blues" by Mark Erelli

I'm previewing and reviewing Mark Erelli for the paper this week. They lied to me when they said he was acoustic folk rock. He is New Wave Country with a tinge of roots and blue grass (one in the same? I wouldn't know!)

This was supposed to be a shitty morning, but it turned out wonderful. I got a job offer at Starbucks, but since I am going to Cambridge this summer, the job offer is going to be extended to August/September/when I come back. I don't feel guilty about not working anymore, especially after talking to my mom because I realized they're only going to be fully financially supporting me for two more years and my mom encouraged me to take advantage of it while I still could. It's like being a good kid bonus. My brother says I ruined his life because I was too perfect.

I think that if I get hired at the coffeeshop on campus however, I will take that job for the quarter.

On an unrelated note, is it scary how much I just don't care anymore? And furthermore (on a related note), it's disturbing how much gender and sexism plays a role in the work field, but I am so fucking apathetic right now that I use it to my advantage. Interesting that at the first Starbucks I interviewed at, I got referred to a different location whereas my friend who has a comparable schedule and availabity as mine got hired -- he looks like an Abercrombie model and the managers at the first Starbucks were all female. Now at this different location, I got the callback and the offer within a week, and both managers are male. Hrmm. I think I got to the point of apathy where I just threw my hands up in the air and said, "Look, I'm a cute girl and I'm nice. Hire me now."

Sunday, April 11, 2004

07:27 PM

"Let Go" by Frou Frou

When I went home this weekend, I found an Easter basket that my mom had made sitting in my room. My mom is so adorable. My relatives were visiting this week, so things were really busy at home, but while they were down here on Saturday my dad dropped my mom off cause she wanted to drive home with me. We got some of my apartment stuff for next year done with, had lunch, and drove into the sunset. I love my mom, she's becoming more and more my best friend ever.

And now I have a small pot of mini roses from my Easter basket sitting on my desk, reminding me about the beautiful minute details of life.

06:44 PM

"On Love, In Sadness" by Jason Mraz

I have been censoring what I write on this site in the past few months, more than I would like to admit.

I think I'm over it now. I'm having an odd season of figuring out when I'm being bitchy and when I'm being stepped on. I'm tired of being either, so I'm just going to be me. I'm honest, blunt, and I take no bullshit. So I'm just going to be honest, blunt, and take no bullshit from you.

That's all. Happy Easter!

Friday, April 9, 2004

05:56 PM

"Sucker" by John Mayer

I went to the beach today with Jin when I got up. The day was gorgeous, I do believe it was the most perfect beach day I've had in awhile. The sky was an endless stretch of blue. It was amazing; and I had amazing company. I love talking to Jin, she has a very poignant understanding of all things minute, in particular in what I'm saying. Especially when I do not eloquate myself well. (I just made up eloquate).

She said something funny though; that she's envious of people with complicated relationships with one particular person -- but before I started to laugh bitterly, I realized she makes a lot of sense. Her point was that complicated relationships come with a history and a deep understanding of each other that no one can really develop overnight. The deep understanding is what keeps the two people tied to each other, among other things. With my cynicism aside, I agreed. I guess I'm getting what I'm asking for: passion. Complicated relationships with a long history derive (or develop) from a passion between two people, for whatever reason, including each other. For once, they are relationships of context and content because obviously they mean something to the peoples involved, otherwise they would have quickly dissipated.

So for once, I'm raising a toast in appreciation, love, and sadness to my complicated relationship. I don't think there are enough words that I could ever use to describe how important it is to me, and how often I am surprised and touched by the lightness and love it has opened to me. Not everyone can mean this much to me.

I'm sure this entry made no sense.

Thursday, April 8, 2004

02:56 PM

"1,000 Things" by Jason Mraz

I had a very enlightening breakthrough around 4 o'clock this morning, with help from my friend Adam. It's funny how some things can be so simple, yet you have to meet it at the right point in your life for everything to make sense. I think I'm just too old and tired now, and it all makes sense.

Pretty much, les jeux sont faits.

Wednesday, April 7, 2004

11:42 PM

"Fuck and Run" by Liz Phair

I would really like to see Belle & Sebastian play here in May, but then I remember that I am still currently unemployed and in desperate need to save for three things that are occurring in my imminent future: Cambridge, laptop, and New York.

Raplapla. This love has taken its toll on me.

Tuesday, April 6, 2004

09:39 PM

Top 5 Indecisions...

Gina: "The best thing about being emo is that you have all of these emo memories and past emo selves to recover all the time."

I love Gina and her emo inner self and her completely brilliant yet touch of down-to-earth dorky outer self.

I tried to do my top 5 favorite songs of all time but it was just too hard...so instead...

5 all-time favorite songs for the time being (such a contradiction):
1. The Cure - Just Like Heaven
2. Jason Mraz & Tristan Prettyman - Shy That Way
3. Atlanta Rhythm Section - Spooky
4. Jeff Buckley - Everybody Here Wants You
5. Phoenix - Too Young

What are yours?

02:32 AM

"Take Me Home Tonight" by Eddie Money

So I'm up late reading and writing, the usual, and I'm browsing through archives and realize this will be the fourth April I'm writing publicly. It's so strange to think about everything that's transpired since then -- and also how funny it is that what I wrote about then that had been very stressful are so trivial now.

I did also rediscover two +s: I still fit into clothes I fit into three years ago, and in 2 days my insurance rate goes back down! Whee! (Still going to knock on wood...)

I wonder if in three more years I'll look back on this April and realize how trivial things are -- still. Probably. Hmm note to self: travel more, worry less.

Monday, April 5, 2004

11:06 PM

"Galaxy" by Jason Mraz

Time is moving too fast -- and too slow all the same.

04:49 PM

"Toxic" (covered) by Tristan Prettyman

The cold and I are at a constant tug of war -- most of the time it wins in the morning, especially when I'm still feeling the dregs of Nyquil. And I've been to two job interviews in the last two days. I swear, all I do is go to job interviews and no jobs. I hope I didn't sound too much like a doped up loser at those interviews, but I don't really remember what I said...

I'm proud of myself because I made two very lovely care packages this week for two very lovely friends; and I mailed them off in an efficient manner (let us forget the Gina's music package debacle of 02). I am not proud of myself because I did very little to tackle the 300 pages I have to read by tomorrow.

Anyway, I'm really sick of my playlist so do recommend some good new music for me to get. I'm adoring the likes of Phoenix and Fiona Apple right now.

(P.S. Sorry if this message didn't make much sense, it was just to entertain you in my state of drug-induced, congested haze.)

Saturday, April 3, 2004

06:47 PM

"Signed, Sealed, Delivered," by Stevie Wonder

I'm really sick again; two days after finishing off antibiotics for my last cold, this little mean one pops up to ruin my first weekend back.

So instead of doing anything socially or academically progressive, I am doped up on Nyquil and cough drops while numbed into restless sleep. Job interview (again) tomorrow afternoon, and Monday afternoon. Lunches and dinners with friends; good conversations;

note to self: life can be lovely if you just let it.

Stay healthy, my dear readers.

Thursday, April 1, 2004

12:48 AM

"Too Young" by Phoenix

I have a newfound adoration for Phoenix. They're just such fun, feel-good dance music. Life should be about fun, feel-good things. I truly believe that, I'm becoming a dandy. Okay, who are we kidding, we all know I'm way too masochistic and self-deprecating to be a dandy. Although the last couple people I have met have given me the impression that they believe I have an enormous ego. If only they would stick around long enough to find out that it is a big lie -- or maybe it is better that they don't stick around long enough to find out it is a big lie.

I have been running a lot lately too, at night when all the stress of the day has compounded into something larger than myself. I'm trying to breathe, a lot.

Classes are pretty intense; all upper division courses for a very small me. I'm finishing up The Metamorphosis so that I can write a paper on it, due tomorrow. I had class yesterday. Don't worry, I'm not afraid of a challenge.

Happy Birthday to my best friend in the whole world, my other half, and the best historian of the last 12 years of my life -- I love you, Cathy!