Thursday, February 26, 2004

06:31 PM

"Stella By Starlight" by Miles Davis

I finally posted content: I added a Fiction section to the txt section of the site; and I posted Debris for your reading pleasure. Please, do comment and correct as you see fit. I have a tense problem.

I also updated the reading list under girl, I'm trying to plow through books as I was notified that 43 books in four months is a lofty goal.

12:45 AM

P.S.

I got a tattoo awhile ago.

12:08 AM

"Pretty Girls Make Graves" by the Smiths

I got selected for the Cambridge summer program.

HA I am Ivy League material after all. (Do they have an Ivy League in Great Britain?)

I knew I should have applied to Harvard, etc. What, like it's hard?

Another note: holy crap when did everyone get coupled up?

Wednesday, February 25, 2004

12:23 AM

Haiku & Question, before a nightcap.

He is the trap door
beneath her feet, every time
a window closes.

If I posted my fiction & non fiction work on this site, would you want to read it? And if so, which one (of the two) is more appealing to you?

12:01 AM

"Falling Into Place" by Mike Viola and the Candy Butchers

I had the night free, and I got domestic. I also discovered how to get a free drink at Starbucks: apply and go to the job interviews. Too bad I quit coffee.

Monday, February 23, 2004

11:42 PM

"Styrofoam Plates" by Death Cab for Cutie

Someone at the station asked me what my top five favorite bands are.

So far I could answer:
1) Jason Mraz
2) Norah Jones
3) John Mayer
4) Belle & Sebastian
5) Nick Drake
6) Billie Holiday
7) SheBlondeSwede
8) Pete Thurston
9) Damien Rice
10) No Doubt
11) Ella Fitzgerald
12) Jeff Buckley
13) Ani DiFranco

Quick! What are my favorite bands??
Problem solved. Now I have a quick and easy answer on hand if ever caught offguard again.

Sunday, February 22, 2004

09:57 PM

"Someone To Watch Over Me" by Ella Fitzgerald

Oh god. The series finale of Sex and the City was beautiful, touching, and satisfying -- but jesus how those writers yanked my chain so that I would blindly be led into rooting for Carrie and Big -- excuse me, John. If that cell phone had flashed another name...I would have bawled.

Despite the fact that we all have our own Mr. Bigs in our lives, and Carrie was the girl in all of us, I don't think it could have ended any better -- now I'm going to have to try really really hard to remind myself that I cannot end up with my Mr. Big.

Yes, I know that this show isn't life, but with the rate my life is going, it might as well be my bible and my everything.

01:43 AM

The In Crowd

Don't forget
this afternoon
SUNDAY
2 - 4pm
Ann & Jin
Small Girl & Ahndre 3000
rocking it
www.ksdtradio.org
on the request aim: ksdtradio

01:42 AM

"Come Back Home" by Pete Yorn

I had dinner tonight with a friend from home and her boyfriend; they're visiting the little town for the weekend. She's the first of my good friends I told about my grandma, and somehow that makes me feel better in that she understands it completely without too many words. When somebody knows you well, there is no drug like that. She also said that I should go home and hang out with my friends; I hadn't really been home all quarter to hang out with my friends from home -- I've actually seen Cathy and her friends a lot more.

I miss people who know me well. Without them, I am lost.

Thursday, February 19, 2004

11:16 PM

"Pale Blue Eyes" by The Velvet Underground

I love this song, it's been on my very short 17 song playlist this week.
Other songs on the playlist:
1) Cannonball, Damien Rice
2) Amie, Damien Rice
3) Cheers Darlin', Damien Rice
4) Volcano, Damien Rice
5) Quiet, John Mayer
6) Comfortable, John Mayer
7) Victoria, John Mayer
8) Tracing, John Mayer
9) Man On The Side, John Mayer
10) Shy That Way, Jason Mraz & Tristan Prettyman
11) Warming Up To Me, Jason Mraz
12) Sunrays and Saturdays, Vertical Horizon
13) Slow Like Honey, Fiona Apple
14) Never is a Promise, Fiona Apple
15) Love Ridden, Fiona Apple
16) Pale Blue Eyes, The Velvet Underground
17) Not Myself, John Mayer

I will stop complaining about boys, because as Cathy has kindly pointed out, I've actually had quite a few relationships with boys in a short period of time, and I just met two this week.

But if I stop, what will take my breath away?

Note to self: when buying books online for next quarter, slip in some leisure reading books as well; shop at used bookstores, and use the library.

Wednesday, February 18, 2004

10:54 PM

"Victoria" by John Mayer

Updated Reading List on Girl. Goal to read all those before going to England. Or at least half. I am a full time flake after all.

04:35 PM

"Cannonball" by Damien Rice

Rainy days shouldn't count as days, but rather impromptu personal holidays. Classes, work, and etc. as the world knows it should stop (at least in San Diego, I can understand the unfeasibility of this idea in places in which rain is a constant as sunshine is here) and we would all spend the day curled up in our PJs, reading good books and listening to good mellow music.

In protest for this first rainy day personal holiday ever, I am not going to go to a poetry reading on the other side of campus, but rather, curl up in my PJs and continue reading The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy, listening to my lovely gift from Gina (Damien Rice's "O") and erase all prior memories of the day before 4:00pm.

Monday, February 16, 2004

04:35 PM

Soliciting Your Sage Advice

Leave some reading recommendations, s'il vous plaît.

02:55 AM

"Carnival Town" by Norah Jones

Hope everyone had a lovely overcommercialized day of love; my least favorite holiday because it cheapens love and you know what a sucker I am for all the virtue and reality of love. I still enjoy receiving flowers nonetheless, and you all know it.

Instead of focusing on what I should have done, this is what I did do Sunday:
- laundry
- French homework at Starbucks
- radio show
- called my mom
- watched Sex and the City
- watched When Harry met Sally
- made Gina mixed CD
- wrote Gina letter

What I am doing tomorrow:
- Family visiting
- Pre-register for writing workshops
- Phone interview with FeFe Dobson
- Crochet lessons
- Read French article
- Watch Les Compéres
- eMail critiques to poetry group
- turn in job application

Soo Good:
- antique pink spray roses for valentine's day
- finishing french homework while studying at starbucks
- making $15/hr. teaching crochet
- beautiful scarves
- the color turquoise against the color of my skin & hair
- norah jones, "feels like home"
- president's day!
- final paper on The Matrix
- upcoming series finale of SATC

No Good:
- res hall foods on three day weekends
- 1980s french films
- no time to read
- ping pong official rules
- french quizzes
- poetry
- sore thighs
- valentine's day!
- Carrie + Big NOR Carrie + Paris + Aleksander!!

If you want a mixed CD or a scarf, leave me a comment.

Sunday, February 15, 2004

01:31 PM

Ann & Jin

Small Girl & Ahndre 3000
rocking your internet airwaves
www.ksdtradio.org
2 - 4 pm
Every Sunday
aim: ksdtradio

Thursday, February 12, 2004

05:51 PM

"Slow Like Honey" by Fiona Apple

So, is it supposed to be cool or not that I can see Michael Jackson in his new residence? ...from my room?

New Question: What reminds you of me? Songs, still valid.

Tuesday, February 10, 2004

11:21 AM

"Lover, You Should Have Come Over" by Jeff Buckley

I really outta get more sleep and stop procrastinating; it only hurts me in the end. I'm too much of a tight ass goody two shoes to not do my fucking homework or not go to class (past the amount that would require a grade drop). So much fucking ambition, so much guilt. I want to live in Manhattan for two years, my family is paying for everything. They don't want me to get a job. My mom told me to take a gym class instead. Pilates, hip hop, kickboxing, something nice like that. My family is too good to me.

I'm teaching a little 11 year old girl and her mom to crochet, our first lesson was yesterday. It's too adorable for words, and it's so much fun. I can't believe I get paid to do something I like. I might start selling scarves this summer -- oh shit, I'm going to be in England this summer (hopefully). A lot of my thoughts start like that -- "I'm going to...this summer...oh shit." Well, next year then. Tell me if you're interested, I am considering selling them online as well. (I know I've asked this before.)

Jessica Simpson's "With You" will always remind me of my brother now, because he was singing it in falsetto during winter break. A lot.

What song reminds you of me?

Monday, February 9, 2004

02:52 AM

safe ground zero

My grandmother is having heart trouble again. She may need surgery.

She is the only person in my life who has loved me inconsequently, who has believed in me when no one, especially myself, would, who has seen no flaw in all my bruised and rotten parts, but rather polishes and adores me like the most prized apple at the fair. When I was small, and my parents were yelling at me, I would take my blanket and attempt to run away. I would always try to go to my grandma's house. I ran away a lot as a child.

God, when is there ever safe ground for me to stand on? I lie to myself a lot, and think about how things were easier in high school when I lived at home and my parents took care of everything. Then I become realistic -- easy? High school was a lot of things, but it was sure as hell far from easy. My life is two years older from high school, and I can be so easily thrown back into the deliberate disaster of my senior year, suffering repercussions like a concussion that resulted in brain tumors. Always there. Silent, deadly, brooding, growing, gnawing. Aneurisms that can be easily ruptured at the slightest movement of ground. Violent earthquakes, violent breaking of ground underneath my feet. It's such a fucking joke how much I plan out my life, to fill every working moment with obligations or guilt thereof, to work myself to the fucking dry brittle bone and stinging exposed pink flesh, so that I can avoid all disasters. Disasters follow me, they blindsight me at the most opportune moments. Moments that are approachingly golden, and then somehow, somewhere, someone decides I need to learn the lesson of losing everything -- over and over again.

I cannot rock this ground that is not a rock. I cannot live like this, everyday in fear of losing someone, of losing. Everyday is fear gripping my heart, my mind, my throat. I miss the ignorance and oblivion of childhood -- and even that was not solid ground. I am not grounded by family, by love, by self, and definitely not by religion -- these are all just as flimsy and ephemeral as my life and yours.

I am so scared. So scared to lose someone I love. I barely caught myself last time, I had such a strong safety net. I'm alone now. I'm not scared of losing myself; I'm not scared of my own demise. But I have no idea what is going to keep me from sinking this time around. Especially without a safety net.

soundtrack: "0% Interest" with Jason Mraz on the keyboard

12:19 AM

"If I Had A Million Dollars" by Barenaked Ladies

Oh why do I procrastinate so much. Oh why do I have so much to do. Must finish French reading tonight. Must finish art history paper tonight. Go. Go. Go. Vagina Monologues article due tomorrow. 8 page paper on Bladerunner. Talk to Isa. Email TAs. Teach a little girl to crochet. Read French article.

Friday, February 6, 2004

03:39 PM

"Hunter" by Dido

I am stuck with my stupid POS cell phone for 20 more days because my dad remembered the wrong date. 27! 27! 27! Why am I always waiting for 20, it seems?

I hate le school because it is always getting in the way of my sleep and my fun. Do you think it's too late to decide that I don't want to go to college? Even though I'm quite literally 5 quarters from graduating? What would I do if I left school early? Pretty much the same thing I will do when I graduate with a Bachelor of Arts in my major...be a starving, raving mad artist/writer/vagrant.

My future is Oh So Bright!

I'm going to LA this weekend to see La Bohème with Cathy.

I made my pink phone pretty with rhinestones just so I could try to trick myself into tolerating it more, but I still hate it.

Thursday, February 5, 2004

07:21 PM

anaphorism poem

Rocked the interview,
Rocked the midterm,
Rocked the outfit,
Rocked the shoes,
Rocking Lost In Translation at 10, sold out
Rocking food before,
Will be rocked by poetry midterm tomorrow :(

01:36 AM

a haiku for you

I smell like ginger
and white tea, eyes red as I
cram art history

Tuesday, February 3, 2004

12:48 PM

"Two Years Shy" by Jason and Jane

Why is it that you never get what you really want, and a bunch of shit you don't really need?

Sunday, February 1, 2004

11:45 PM

"The Drugs Don't Work" by the Verve

Stupid Ryan Adams and his stupid drunk ass falling off the stupid stage in stupid Liverpool and breaking his stupid arm and cancelling all his stupid March tour dates, including mine.

Stupid rock stars.

01:14 PM

radio show!

It's that time again:
Ann & Jin
aka "small girl" and "jinnay 3000"
on your speakers

2 - 4pm
Sunday Afternoon
(That's Today!)

ksdtradio.org
aim: ksdtradio

For all your acoustic rock loving, San Diego wannabes.

12:18 AM

on getting older...

My friend Lindsey and I just realized we are going to be fourth years next year. And I realized I could graduate by December of next year. That's a horrifying thought; talk about being shoved into the real world. I'm going to take my time though, maybe take two classes a quarter my last year, and truly breathe in the beauty of living in San Diego -- who knows when I will ever live here again?

A SheBlondeSwede show tonight, and a five hour wee hours of the morning conversation with a few good friends in the warm light of my room got me started on thinking about getting older. I never feel like I am because most of my friends are at least a year older than me, the guys I date are older than me, and my parents still call me a kid. But somehow as situations are holding me in a stillframe of time -- kind of like those gel aquarium things that were popular once upon a time, where you create a scene in gel and then it solidifies, I still remember the commercials for the shark attack/treasure hunt one, it came with fake blood to dribble through the gel...anyhow, I digress. In my own aquarium of gel time, I find myself being thrusted against the grindstone of real life.

In the early twenties, we spend so much time wondering where we're going with our lives, if we're doing it right, and who we're doing it with, that we don't worry about the quality of our lives. I guess it's just like how it goes, when you're young enough you don't know how to use it, and when you know what you're doing you're already too old to use it.

I so often forget the beauty of my life, of my current youth, and am too often occupied with my disease of the mind -- I'm too fat, I'm too stupid, I'm too untalented, I'm too ugly. I was once told that I'm one of those people who don't get told enough how wonderful they are and how talented they are, and although that is one of the kindest compliments I have ever received, it also makes me truly sad. How many people are out there are also so consumed with their negative thoughts that their talents get undersold -- by themselves?

So in short, I guess I'm saying (poorly) that I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life -- and I love that. And I'm going to start loving my life, for real. I have moored over things for way too long, and am affected by the tedious way too easily. It takes three weeks to make a habit, and three weeks to break one. I have five weeks until the end of this quarter, until I determine my summer and my fall. I think it should be enough time to find the confidence that is so lacking in people of my age.

"If it's unpredictable," sayeth biologists, "then it's alive."