mood & nostalgia
			SUMMER 2003
			SUMMER MANUSCRIPT
			by a. lauren
			®2003






"Some signal"
(08052003)


I'm pressing on empty
And hoping for the light
Some signal that I'm not going to be all right.


It's so hard living my life halfway here
And always being halfway there
I want to bake cookies
But I just don't have the oven.

	Nothing says hello
	Like goodbye.

---



"Magic Kingdom"
(07/2003)


In this empty town of empty dreams
I found I've made all the wrong choices
And they define me now,
	more than they defined me then

Everyday I reep the lifelessness
	in which I sowed
The apathy burns like daylight,
	as each day drags so devilishly
	in the face of a gilded smile.

Living in a resolute irony
Nothing is as it seems
Life living romantically unto itself
	Breathes pompous ego into the days
When truth is needed the moment grows short.

---



"lullaby"
(082303)


I've been left desperate
	and clawing at my skin for answers
	that may never be validation.

Maybe the truth is something to fear
	And there is no validity in it.

Because variables can equal each other,
	but each other can equal negative space.

Walking in well worn circles,
	with well worn reasons to warm me at night,
I have found no truth in this.
I have found no comfort in that.

And it continues to haunt me,
	and plague me like your songs -- 
	because the unexplainable needs 
	to be explained, because the why --
	needs a because.

I have blown all the candles
and crossed off all my wishes; 
did this mean more than desire
	that met distance (the ultimate heartbreaker)?

And often it is this question,
a familiar lullaby that sighs:



			why?

---




"littlesillynow"
(090603)


It's a littlesillynow,
How lovely it was --
	but understated in its beauty.

It's a littlefoolishnow,
How brightly your kiss was --
	it burned my lips in the worst way,
	and melted my pink tongue.

	& when I kissed the burning lightbulb
	underneath a shy black shade,
	
	I never expected the burn would emulate
	More real life than we gave it credit for.

I'm a little silly now,
	thoughts clear and running through my head -- 

	but then I didn't know,
	that I kissed a star.


---


"implied"
(090603)

Implied,
was my heeart an open book.
Amplified
for your daring spirit.
Gratified
by a simple twist of fate.

The rain will fall,
in big generous drops.
The trees will wither,
in a burning red grace.
The beings will rot,
in a slow daily pace.

The ants march on,
and the lights continue
to burn out.

But the purpose, 
with the way,
only burns as brightly as this moment
and each moment exists in this thought.


---


"with blistered heart on nostalgia"
(090903)

Like raw ripped wounds,
Like unheard birthday wishes,
Like shattered bones that never heal;
     you still haunt me (with indecision)

Like unruly ghosts,
Like restless spirits,
Like fractured souls;
     you still haunt me (with silence)

Why does it still hurt,
burning like the unforgiving
August sun?

Why do your dated words still bring me,
much like the moment of their release,
the same unadulterated joy -- 
inundating a blistered heart with 
bittersweet, acidic nostalgia?

The moment I realized I stood alone;
When I reached out to catch the raindrops
Falling from a shaken sky,
Shy from shaken faith.

In a moment of honesty -- 
is silence better than the truth,
and what for?


---


"second verse"
(091803)

on the eve of tickling
a newborn hope,
i fiddle nervously
as i close another box.

a second year earned,
another year past.

lively white teeth,
and ten more pounds,
add cushion to another
leap of faith.