Thursday, May 29, 2003
1:30 PM
"Bulletproof" by Rilo Kiley
I woke up at 6:30 this morning to take on of my best friends to the train station - I am not sure what sort of energy I was running on with 3 hours of sleep and a cloudy
mind. It felt like high school all over again: that early in the morning, and that little sleep. I came back, got lucky with parking, and burrowed deeply into
my bed as Laura waited patiently on a stalled train. There had been a train accident earlier that day, and all I kept thinking as I was driving back was: "What if
she had taken the earlier train? What if? What if?" And remembered once again, that everything happens for a reason. I wanted to burrow in my bed forever, but I put on my
glasses and three layers of random clothing and went to photo section: my TA loved my prints, and I got another + on my last assignment. I hope this will make up for the
fact I haven't gone to lecture since the first week of the quarter. Life is a strange balance sheet right now. I got my second draft of my second paper for my writing class
back - once again, marked up as if a third grader drew all over it, and I'm pretty sure in other words the TA meant "your paper SUCKS. you are going to fail. stop trying."
Never in my life has any writing instructor given me such incisive critique; it was very hard on the little writer inside my head. All the accomplishments: As in "impossible" classes,
790 on SATs, writing contests - balanced all out to nothing. My patriarchal film group wants to edit from midnight to 7am, and I am gearing up for it by trying to sleep through the day.
I have sudden hate for my majors, which leaves me out cold and scared. On the + side of this balance sheet (among other things),
I went to the dining halls heavy with sleep and walking through fog, with glasses and dirty disheveled hair pulled back, and a cute scruffy boy starts talking to me
as I'm pouring my Frosted Flakes (sugary cereals will always be my secret pleasure):
Boy: You're really getting your worth out of that cereal, huh?
Me: Yes. Yes I am.
(pause)
Boy: Do you have milk with that?
Me: No, I'm lactose intolerant. (walks away)
Boy: (shouts across the room) I'm lactose intolerant too!
Tuesday, May 27, 2003
11:15 PM
"All About Our Love" by Sade
Sharing a picture from Danielle's trip down here, visiting Coronado. There is a lot going on, all not necessarily good. And yet a lot of my mind centers around
everything that has happened, as it always does. We are products of our past and peers; am I defaulted product that needs to be sent back to the factory? No. I should
never think that; but of course being a girl I do. Four boys in the past year: four girlfriends to match each one; they're all either younger or lesbianer than me.
Okay. All spoken in unrealized angst. The thing is that I am really happy the way things are; I'm a firm believer of everything in my life is the way it is supposed to be
at this exact moment, every moment that I live. The people in my life, the people who have left; the events in my life, the opportunites that occur and the opportunites that
are missed. Everthing happens for a reason, however cliche that is. Anyway, this was pointless. Just words and clutter; I hope at least you enjoyed it.
I am going to type up notes and write emails to people who really care about how I am doing. Smile.
Monday, May 26, 2003
1:16 AM
"Hand Me Down" by Matchbox 20
My heart and mind hurt with heavy thoughts and strange comings and goings. I need to stop and look at myself
and my life at this point, and I don't want to. I'm afraid if I stop, I will fly off. But if I don't fly off,
I'm afraid I will crash into a wall.
P.S. 2 new poems in daylight: "Butterfly" and "Half Past One"
Saturday, May 24, 2003
11:09 PM
Heartbreakers
I spent a lovely Saturday sleeping and puttering around, running errands and not really doing all that much. It is nice, not to have
one million and one strings pulling on me, and it is unusually nice feeling like my life is beautiful right now. The campus is quiet in the folds of a
three day weekend, and I appreciate it more than usual. It has been a crazy week, full of amazing experiences and friends, and I can't think of
a better way to spend a Saturday evening. Burrowing deeply into my burgandy sheets, Heartbreakers playing for the billionth time on my
computer (I love this movie), I feel satisfied. Although things would be nicer if I had the motivation to do the things I should be doing for school.
I am just drifting through tonight sleepily and dreamily - it would be nice to have an amazing boy
sleeping in my bed as I put away my clothes and write my paper, just to end the night with crawling
into bed with him.
Maybe another night.
I'm still having problems with greymatter, it may never come back. If anyone wants to help me, shoot me an email. It would be much appreciated.
In the meantime, I miss the comments. So email me: loveandtea@hotmail.com.
Tuesday, May 20, 2003
1:33 AM
Jason Mraz show from the HOB @ Anaheim, 03-24-03
Sometimes there are just no words.
And I'm ready for round 2 later tonight.
More pictures... that I was
too lazy to organize, therefore just take your directory and my peace. Goodnight love.
Friday, May 16, 2003
1:52 PM
"Leaning Against The Wall" by Kings of Convenience
Yesterday I bought a huge box of Prismacolor colored pencils + drawing sets for 50% off. It was the best buy I have ever made. I gave myself
a blister sharpening all the pencils by hand, and I filled my journal with pages and pages of drawings of butterflies and sunsets and ivy and
much more spaces are waiting to be filled in with the functions of my brand new toys. My first roll of color that I developed for my class turned
out amazingly well, I did a lot of experimental low lighting photography at the SheBlondeSwede show last weekend; they turned out amazing and I can't wait to print them.
So I'm filling my days and nights with art and writing and photography and laughter. Sometimes I have an insignificant breakdown in the middle of the night,
but that's only because I like to hurt myself in the deepest ways I know how.
But as for this weekend, it is mad music adventures. This week is going to be crazy and I am going prepared, and full of good humor and good music.
Jason Mraz on
Sunday and on Tuesday. I like to call it my big Mraz adventure for the year. But as for now, there is a big phallic festival of the SunGod and
I must join my drunken peers in participating in debauchery and scandal, what college kids do best. Have a lovely weekend, and don't forget to
tell me all about it over tea.
Tuesday, May 13, 2003
1:41 PM
"Tonight, Not Again" by Jason Mraz
So as you may have guessed, greymatter is still in a big fight with my server, and until they reconciliate, all updates will be done
the oldschool fashion: through Arachnophilia & sporadically. Which may just reinforce my hope that I will write more entries of worth,
rather than words.
And lately I've been having a very good dreamlife, perhaps to compensate for the lack of very goodness in my reallife. Last night, in particular,
I had been thinking about my first grade boyfriend, and how ballsy I was even back then - I asked HIM to be my boyfriend, and he was the cutest
boy in class, blonde hair and big blue eyes, oh swoon. I knew no fear as a 6 year old. I had been thinking before I got to bed, I
wonder where he is in his life now, where he went to college, if he went to college, how high school was, etc. I wonder if he remembers me. And
then I had a dream with him in it, all grown up and very Abercrombie&Fitch like. And still my boyfriend. Mmm. If only life were that simple - boyfriends
last from the first grade and grow into gorgeous modelesque specimen of boys. I realized in real life, maybe he isn't so much. So if we
never cross paths again, I can still be completely satisfied holding onto my dreamlife version of him, and the reallife version of a ballsy me.
Thursday, May 8, 2003
10:32 AM
"There Is A Light That Never Goes Out" by the Smiths
Ann Lauren Avery, from this day forward your superhero name will be:
The Pretty Comet
Your special power is: Time Control
Monday, May 5, 2003
11:06 PM
"Camping Next To Water" by Badly Drawn Boy
Poetry in Daylight
updated with one new poem, entitled "Me".
Sunday, May 4, 2003
11:35 PM
"Green Apples" by Chantal Kreviazuk
I don't really know what is going on with greymatter right now, in terms of updating this page.
So I am sorry for the confusion and great distress it may have caused you in trying to leave me
a comment or just the plain lack of voyeurism you've been able to attempt in the past few days. But
life moves on without me. Or my words. I'm trying to fix the issue with greymatter, but if I do not,
I'm going to take it as a sign for what to do with the site: I've been thinking about it for awhile, and
I think I may stop with the personal entries. It seems as though the internet world is full of words and
exhibitionists, and not enough thoughtful people and meaningful words. Instead of contributing to the mess,
I'm just going to contribute the best parts of myself: my art. I'm going to write and paint and photograph and
play my guitar and my voice, but I won't exhibit the story behind it, or the meaning of it all. The point is
to find your own meaning. A lot of life is about finding your own meaning: and I want my work to have meaning
for someone else; as much as other people's work have as much meaning in mine. And I am at a loss without
your words, so I got a new email address to fill to the brim with your words: loveandtea@hotmail.com
Feel free to use it: abuse it with your words (however, abuse it with spam and I'm sure karma will kick
yo ass) and your love and your poetry and your meanings. Tell me how you feel about things, about life, about my poems,
about YOUR poems. And communication will surely mean much more.
Somehow I'm not loving email so much though, as I clean out another emailbox: I realize that I have left so much in that place,
that clicking one link will catapult me into eighth grade again, admist friends and ex friends and crushes and ex crushes: all
endearing in their own manners, but easily erased in the memory. I am a packrat in every sense of the word.
As I try to find more meaning with my words and my days, don't forget to come back and send me the meaning of yours.
This doesn't mean goodbye, this doesn't mean the end. This just means, it's time for a change. And I think I may just post
longer, more thoughtful entries on a different page, like I used to. This open forum thing is so easily cheapened. If you're
looking for that, hit up an livejournal or xanga circuit and I'm sure you'll find your fill of words.
I, in the mean time, will be looking up my fill of meanings.
